Just letting you know about a fairly new website I found called Covering And Authority. It's by LT of The Heresy. It's extremely informative for anybody who has or knows somebody who has suffered from spiritual abuse. It also gives some extremely biblical reasons why the "covering" doctrine is false.
I'm glad to see important websites like this one springing up.
Showing posts with label Discussion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Discussion. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thoughts
I wrote a post on my blog earlier today along the lines of what Jon was writing about before he disappeared... (just kidding, I know he's around here somewhere..., coming back soon, right?) Anyway, thought I'd share... None of us out here (in what they call the "wild") should feel all alone in our inevitable pain, I know that much... I know pain makes us feel that way, but does it have to be so alienating? I don't think so. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see that in the gospel....
I also have a question...
What about the Lord's supper...?
http://graced-all-over.blogspot.com/
I also have a question...
What about the Lord's supper...?
http://graced-all-over.blogspot.com/
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Holiday Reading
I'm on holidays. Woo-hoo. Part of that involves reading great swathes of books. How luxurious can you get? I've been to the library, got some nice novels sitting here. Also in the middle of reading The Agony and the Ecstasy by Irving Stone, a fictionalised account of the life of Michaelangelo, which is kinda interesting. I'm also reading Women Who Run With the Wolves, which I'm pretty enamoured with and have been blathering on about at my blog here if you're interested in joining the conversation.
Anyone else reading anything interesting lately?
Anyone else reading anything interesting lately?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Boundaries (and update)
Hey all
Well, my brother has not returned to my house. I am so grateful for that :) Thank you for your prayers. (As a reminder, he has been coming and going and staying with me for the past six weeks, and it's really disorientated me about a million times more than I thought it was. It took a while to realise how disorientating I found it, partially because I wanted to help him and partially because I have, I have further discovered, this strange irrational sense of responsibility for him. This is because of the dynamics of our family - we are playing out the roles our parents taught us to - and because of sexual abuse issues as children).
I am in an uncomfortable period in my life where I am seeing more clearly the necessity for boundaries. Growing more able to say "no", because I know that is my true answer, and to sit with the discomfort that comes afterwards, the silly guilt, the feeling of "I am a bitch because I said no", which unfortunately so many women have to deal with.
It is a difficult thing to learn to become the person you are intended to be, is it not? I think Christianity has inadvertently taught us that denying ourselves means repressing our intuition, especially for women. It has inadvertently taught us that we are not able to hear God for ourselves, nor are we allowed to hear ourselves for ourselves because that is a sin. I am glad to see this dysfunction beginning to be displaced from within the Body.
Well, my brother has not returned to my house. I am so grateful for that :) Thank you for your prayers. (As a reminder, he has been coming and going and staying with me for the past six weeks, and it's really disorientated me about a million times more than I thought it was. It took a while to realise how disorientating I found it, partially because I wanted to help him and partially because I have, I have further discovered, this strange irrational sense of responsibility for him. This is because of the dynamics of our family - we are playing out the roles our parents taught us to - and because of sexual abuse issues as children).
I am in an uncomfortable period in my life where I am seeing more clearly the necessity for boundaries. Growing more able to say "no", because I know that is my true answer, and to sit with the discomfort that comes afterwards, the silly guilt, the feeling of "I am a bitch because I said no", which unfortunately so many women have to deal with.
It is a difficult thing to learn to become the person you are intended to be, is it not? I think Christianity has inadvertently taught us that denying ourselves means repressing our intuition, especially for women. It has inadvertently taught us that we are not able to hear God for ourselves, nor are we allowed to hear ourselves for ourselves because that is a sin. I am glad to see this dysfunction beginning to be displaced from within the Body.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Zaavan's Needs
Hi All
My hubby and I no longer tithe(infact we have decided that it is unbiblical)
but still believe in intentional giving to people with real needs and real faces (as oposed to the pasotrs new car or a bright and shiney new building for the church).
I really feel that God is saying that Zaavan's needs are just that
So I am going to give Jon an "offering" I am going to sow into my prayer that God will fix this utterley unacceptable situtaion.I know that the small amount I can give will not really change his situation in the physical but I beleive that soemtimes God ask us to be a part of the solution.
I am not posting about this so that I can recieve any pats on the back but instead to invite anyone who want to join me. No pressure intended, you dont need to answer this post I dont need to know it is between you and God and what he ask you to do. I only konow he asked me to give nothing more
So Jon I need a way to wire you some cash so be intouch
My hubby and I no longer tithe(infact we have decided that it is unbiblical)
but still believe in intentional giving to people with real needs and real faces (as oposed to the pasotrs new car or a bright and shiney new building for the church).
I really feel that God is saying that Zaavan's needs are just that
So I am going to give Jon an "offering" I am going to sow into my prayer that God will fix this utterley unacceptable situtaion.I know that the small amount I can give will not really change his situation in the physical but I beleive that soemtimes God ask us to be a part of the solution.
I am not posting about this so that I can recieve any pats on the back but instead to invite anyone who want to join me. No pressure intended, you dont need to answer this post I dont need to know it is between you and God and what he ask you to do. I only konow he asked me to give nothing more
So Jon I need a way to wire you some cash so be intouch
Monday, November 24, 2008
Update
Hi all,
If you've seen my blog, you've seen a song posted that my husband wrote. He's written several lately and put music to them. This is, I think, the fifth in line from him. It's important because, although it's not a promise, it's an apology for 18 years of lots of shit.
A brief synopsis of all of my brokenness lately is that on my birthday in September he forgot again. Maybe not forgot, but refused to acknowledge. That's typical of us. Something is important to me, his neurosis kicks in (fear of being controlled) and he withdraws. I wind up feeling abandoned. So.. after one more year among many of not being acknowledged in a special way I decided in my heart, "I'm done with this". That same week my step-grandfather passed away suddenly. That was tough and my husband was supportive, friendly but also realized I was making plans to move on with my health and my life. That same week a co-worker of his -- 21 yr old girl with a new baby and a failing marriage - called my husband to profess herself falling in love with him. Thus began the whirlwind.
My husband has been very honest throughout this whole ordeal - painfully so. At least I take comfort in the fact that I haven't been deceived. However, there have been many times I have been completely taken advantage of. Many would have thrown in the towel based on his feelings for this young girl 10 times by now. Three weeks ago I told him in all calmness, "I think we're done here" and I told him he should move out. He did not want this ordeal to cost him his family and was faced with the task of dealing with several internal issues of his own. Mind you, I am not perfect. However, my junk has been being dealt with for a while now. The task at hand became determining if we could be healthy and stay together or would we be more healthy as individuals to become individuals completely. We have three children; ages 8, 6 and 5. It would be huge adjustment to "try" separation for a while - obviously.
Throughout this process we have gone back to the beginning - why did we get married to begin with? Short answer: To be like *them* (people in our church circle). We thought we'd be the next *them*. Next we adopted ideas of *that couple* and tried to force each other into the ideal that went along with that -- never really recognizing who we were as individuals and the differences we held. If we did recognize it, we found fault in it. For example - when we first met, he loved how I didn't give a crap what anyone thought. Slowly, though, he convinced me that I should consider others way above myself and I became a neurotic little obsession in need of others approval which, yes, caused him to see me as weak. Our projections onto one another, thanks to religious roles, has completely sucked the life out of each of us.
Regardless of why we got married and what has kept us together (up until now, all religious reasons) we are still here and now have three children. So, instead of walking away completely we are trying to recognize each other for who we really are, deal with our own shadows and see if we can be healthy together or not. It's a one day at a time situation.
The work-girlfriend has died down some although the situation has come and gone quite a few times lately. I think the last piece of the puzzle was put to bed last week when 'chatting' became no longer an option outside of work. I thought that was settled long before last week but.. regardless... I think it's clear now.
Sixteen years of marriage and three kids plus lots of deconstruction has given room for growth and also provided many scary options. We still are walking together for now - we'll see how it all turns.
Many weeks ago I took off my wedding rings. The rings themselves were purchased out of urging from a friend in common (one of whom we idealized at the time) and everything those pieces of gold represent are no longer what I want a part of my life. I would like to happily wear a ring again but it won't be those - they represent what I don't want -- more of the same old forced compliance. He agrees.
We've tried our damnedest throughout all of this. If we can't move on together as friends, we'll have to attempt separating as friends. My mental weakness that occurs when we go to hell is not healthy nor is his neurosis flare-ups. We'll be healthy together or we'll be healthy apart. Either way -we love each other enough to want the best for each other; regardless of what that looks like in the near future.
All of that to say - if you've listed to the song on my blog - this update gives more back-story behind it. If you comment in detail about it, please do so here and not on my blog. He visits my blog but doesn't know about this site. I'm way more candid here.
If you've seen my blog, you've seen a song posted that my husband wrote. He's written several lately and put music to them. This is, I think, the fifth in line from him. It's important because, although it's not a promise, it's an apology for 18 years of lots of shit.
A brief synopsis of all of my brokenness lately is that on my birthday in September he forgot again. Maybe not forgot, but refused to acknowledge. That's typical of us. Something is important to me, his neurosis kicks in (fear of being controlled) and he withdraws. I wind up feeling abandoned. So.. after one more year among many of not being acknowledged in a special way I decided in my heart, "I'm done with this". That same week my step-grandfather passed away suddenly. That was tough and my husband was supportive, friendly but also realized I was making plans to move on with my health and my life. That same week a co-worker of his -- 21 yr old girl with a new baby and a failing marriage - called my husband to profess herself falling in love with him. Thus began the whirlwind.
My husband has been very honest throughout this whole ordeal - painfully so. At least I take comfort in the fact that I haven't been deceived. However, there have been many times I have been completely taken advantage of. Many would have thrown in the towel based on his feelings for this young girl 10 times by now. Three weeks ago I told him in all calmness, "I think we're done here" and I told him he should move out. He did not want this ordeal to cost him his family and was faced with the task of dealing with several internal issues of his own. Mind you, I am not perfect. However, my junk has been being dealt with for a while now. The task at hand became determining if we could be healthy and stay together or would we be more healthy as individuals to become individuals completely. We have three children; ages 8, 6 and 5. It would be huge adjustment to "try" separation for a while - obviously.
Throughout this process we have gone back to the beginning - why did we get married to begin with? Short answer: To be like *them* (people in our church circle). We thought we'd be the next *them*. Next we adopted ideas of *that couple* and tried to force each other into the ideal that went along with that -- never really recognizing who we were as individuals and the differences we held. If we did recognize it, we found fault in it. For example - when we first met, he loved how I didn't give a crap what anyone thought. Slowly, though, he convinced me that I should consider others way above myself and I became a neurotic little obsession in need of others approval which, yes, caused him to see me as weak. Our projections onto one another, thanks to religious roles, has completely sucked the life out of each of us.
Regardless of why we got married and what has kept us together (up until now, all religious reasons) we are still here and now have three children. So, instead of walking away completely we are trying to recognize each other for who we really are, deal with our own shadows and see if we can be healthy together or not. It's a one day at a time situation.
The work-girlfriend has died down some although the situation has come and gone quite a few times lately. I think the last piece of the puzzle was put to bed last week when 'chatting' became no longer an option outside of work. I thought that was settled long before last week but.. regardless... I think it's clear now.
Sixteen years of marriage and three kids plus lots of deconstruction has given room for growth and also provided many scary options. We still are walking together for now - we'll see how it all turns.
Many weeks ago I took off my wedding rings. The rings themselves were purchased out of urging from a friend in common (one of whom we idealized at the time) and everything those pieces of gold represent are no longer what I want a part of my life. I would like to happily wear a ring again but it won't be those - they represent what I don't want -- more of the same old forced compliance. He agrees.
We've tried our damnedest throughout all of this. If we can't move on together as friends, we'll have to attempt separating as friends. My mental weakness that occurs when we go to hell is not healthy nor is his neurosis flare-ups. We'll be healthy together or we'll be healthy apart. Either way -we love each other enough to want the best for each other; regardless of what that looks like in the near future.
All of that to say - if you've listed to the song on my blog - this update gives more back-story behind it. If you comment in detail about it, please do so here and not on my blog. He visits my blog but doesn't know about this site. I'm way more candid here.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
A Room for the Negatively Emotioned
Hello Kitcheners
I have just added on a new room in the ever-expanding space that is Rahab's. It is a room painted in nice mental institutionalish soothing green tones, and set aside especially for those of us who are wallowing in the societally and christianityally displeasing sins like anger, bitterness, and crustiness in all of their forms. I call it the Pissed Off Room, which isn't very nice and pleasant a name at all, is it? But then, neither are those emotions :) Anger seems to be an emotion that freaks people out more than any other - and with good reason. How scary it is to see it in yourself, let alone in other people. But still, I think there is a space for it, for learning how to roll with it and harness it. I have this idea that the things that are making us angry can't really be overcome until we turn and walk into them and embrace them, to a certain extent. I would like the Pissed Off Room to be accessed by a slide from both the women's premenstrual verandah and also the men's wedgie deck, which goes down into a whole lot of balls, like they have in Ikea. I propose the walls be made of a nice splodgy substance which has plenty of give and take when you ram your head into them :)
I am doing a liver detox of sorts at the moment along with a heavy metal detox. My liver is quite overloaded and needs lots of supplemental support. It's all going okay and I'm not having a nervous breakdown or anything but I really do understand why in Chinese medicine the liver is considered the organ that deals with anger. Sometimes I wonder where all this anger in me comes from and sometimes I doubt it shall ever be dealt with. Which is where your prayers come in, if you feel so inclined. Some of you know that I have just come up out of the murk of 6+ years of chronic illness followed by a marriage breakdown. It's been two years now since my marriage broke up and I do definitely feel like I am healing. Sometimes, however, I get the feeling that I should be moving on more quickly than I am. But still, these things just can't be rushed and neither do I want to.
I am reading an interesting book at the moment called The Gift of Grief by a rabbi called Matthew Gewirtz which is a good read. One of the reminders I am taking away as I read it is that to be fully present to my own pain is really the only road through, even though at times that does feel unbearable, does it not, bloggers? But still, in my heretical meditation practices I do find that once turning and facing the anger or wahtever and really embracing it, in almost a physical way, brings such peace. What doesn't bring peace is the fact that I also feel crusty, old, grouchy and ultra critical at the moment, which is why if anyone wants me I'll be rolling around in the Ikea balls. Anyone else wanna join me? :)
I have just added on a new room in the ever-expanding space that is Rahab's. It is a room painted in nice mental institutionalish soothing green tones, and set aside especially for those of us who are wallowing in the societally and christianityally displeasing sins like anger, bitterness, and crustiness in all of their forms. I call it the Pissed Off Room, which isn't very nice and pleasant a name at all, is it? But then, neither are those emotions :) Anger seems to be an emotion that freaks people out more than any other - and with good reason. How scary it is to see it in yourself, let alone in other people. But still, I think there is a space for it, for learning how to roll with it and harness it. I have this idea that the things that are making us angry can't really be overcome until we turn and walk into them and embrace them, to a certain extent. I would like the Pissed Off Room to be accessed by a slide from both the women's premenstrual verandah and also the men's wedgie deck, which goes down into a whole lot of balls, like they have in Ikea. I propose the walls be made of a nice splodgy substance which has plenty of give and take when you ram your head into them :)
I am doing a liver detox of sorts at the moment along with a heavy metal detox. My liver is quite overloaded and needs lots of supplemental support. It's all going okay and I'm not having a nervous breakdown or anything but I really do understand why in Chinese medicine the liver is considered the organ that deals with anger. Sometimes I wonder where all this anger in me comes from and sometimes I doubt it shall ever be dealt with. Which is where your prayers come in, if you feel so inclined. Some of you know that I have just come up out of the murk of 6+ years of chronic illness followed by a marriage breakdown. It's been two years now since my marriage broke up and I do definitely feel like I am healing. Sometimes, however, I get the feeling that I should be moving on more quickly than I am. But still, these things just can't be rushed and neither do I want to.
I am reading an interesting book at the moment called The Gift of Grief by a rabbi called Matthew Gewirtz which is a good read. One of the reminders I am taking away as I read it is that to be fully present to my own pain is really the only road through, even though at times that does feel unbearable, does it not, bloggers? But still, in my heretical meditation practices I do find that once turning and facing the anger or wahtever and really embracing it, in almost a physical way, brings such peace. What doesn't bring peace is the fact that I also feel crusty, old, grouchy and ultra critical at the moment, which is why if anyone wants me I'll be rolling around in the Ikea balls. Anyone else wanna join me? :)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
psst.
several of you said you wanted to know when there was more. there's a little more. for your perusal.
and now: infinite possibilities part 1.
the newest:infinite possibilities part 2.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
question for your contemplation
are you the same person in real life as you are here in the blog world?
and what i mean is this... do you speak to people in everyday life the way you do here? do you have the same sorts of conversations? do they bleed over into your regular life? do you carry the same convictions and ideals with you everywhere you go? or do you find yourself living a dichotomy of being one person here, and being another in you real life?
and what i mean is this... do you speak to people in everyday life the way you do here? do you have the same sorts of conversations? do they bleed over into your regular life? do you carry the same convictions and ideals with you everywhere you go? or do you find yourself living a dichotomy of being one person here, and being another in you real life?
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
More Brief Bio's...
For those of you who haven't shared yours yet and would like to!
Also, what is everyone's first name (those with google addresses that aren't their name)... if you are comfortable sharing
Erin or Mike, could we have a label on the Kitchen cabinets just for "Brief Bio's" so anyone who hasn't can add theirs if they want?
The original brief Bio's are here
Also, what is everyone's first name (those with google addresses that aren't their name)... if you are comfortable sharing
Erin or Mike, could we have a label on the Kitchen cabinets just for "Brief Bio's" so anyone who hasn't can add theirs if they want?
The original brief Bio's are here
Monday, November 3, 2008
Weekly prayer requests/ updates
Hey I wrote this below on Tyler's post-
Idea- maybe every other day or every couple days we should keep each other updated on stuff through an "update" post, where anyone who wants to share can? Or have ongoing weekly prayer requests/ updates post, where anyone can write down brief requests, as needed... or ask about how anyone is doing?
What do you all think? My idea is that it could be a place where we can see where everyone is at, briefly, and know how to pray. And people can still make longer posts , etc, whenever they want or need to?
This way no one falls through the cracks... and we can keep each other updated.
We could start here...? any thoughts...?
Idea- maybe every other day or every couple days we should keep each other updated on stuff through an "update" post, where anyone who wants to share can? Or have ongoing weekly prayer requests/ updates post, where anyone can write down brief requests, as needed... or ask about how anyone is doing?
What do you all think? My idea is that it could be a place where we can see where everyone is at, briefly, and know how to pray. And people can still make longer posts , etc, whenever they want or need to?
This way no one falls through the cracks... and we can keep each other updated.
We could start here...? any thoughts...?
a small request
please visit my post from today. i think it has something to do with us, here, in the Kitchen. but rather than reprint the whole thing here, i thought i would just link. thank you in advance for your time, and hopefully, input.
Just a confession
Guys, I am sorry I have been gone. I get overwhelmed and I retreat from life. I got hit really hard a few weeks back (well, a few months back) with a part of my life that I thought was over, a part that I wish was over. It isn't that it is a bad thing, but it is a thing that plays into my fears of rejection and judgment. I am living in constant dread and I hate that.
I need to emerge and start living life again. But when this happens I also feel the need to be separate, like I am some kind of freak or something.
Anyway, i have been living selfishly in many ways and that needs to stop. I have to stop hiding and retreating for the sake of my husband and kids, and for my sake too.
I need to emerge and start living life again. But when this happens I also feel the need to be separate, like I am some kind of freak or something.
Anyway, i have been living selfishly in many ways and that needs to stop. I have to stop hiding and retreating for the sake of my husband and kids, and for my sake too.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Messed Up
Hi all,
I want so much to blog on my site and clear my head but the words just won't flow. This is a place of general conversation and obvious love and acceptance so I've landed here simply to say that my life is massively messed up right now. More-so than it has been in a long time. I can't blame the church. I can't blame my husband. I can't even blame myself. It's just simply messed up. Erin has been holding my hand for a couple of weeks now and I'm so thankful for her but I miss communicating with many of you also. I don't want anyone to think that I've stopped coming by and reading and checking in on you. I'm still here. It's just that many days I don't have anything to say that would require me to reach out of my own thoughts and feelings at the moment. I suppose that's selfish or at least lazy but I'm too overwhelmed to speak. I've made changes in my life that have kept me from literally having a nervous breakdown -- kids going to school as opposed to continuing to home school is a big part of that. Yet my marriage... oh my marriage... it goes from bad to worse to ok to even worse still in about 30 minute intervals. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. At the moment, I'm hopeless. I've been a friend. I've been objective. But after six weeks of constantly listening to him talk through his own junk - stuff that is painful for me to hear of course -- I am overwhelmed by it all, exhausted beyond words and simply crushed.
Maybe things will improve. Maybe not. What's important for me is that I get some peace in my life and soon. I don't even care what the end result of it is -- what it looks like in the end, I mean; together, separated ... what matters most is that something ends either way.
I'm drinking way too much. I've picked back up the cigarettes. I've stopped working out which I've been avid to do around 6 or 6:30 am every morning (cold, rain or shine) for a year now. I'm losing ground mentally and physically with myself all over this tide that keeps washing me out to sea. I realize that pain brings with it the benefit of depth of character and life but the process is oh so painful.
I'm rambling but I needed to. I can't post on my blog because it's seen by locals as well as I just don't 'ramble' there. I try to get things actually coherent. I came here just to spew I suppose.
I want so much to blog on my site and clear my head but the words just won't flow. This is a place of general conversation and obvious love and acceptance so I've landed here simply to say that my life is massively messed up right now. More-so than it has been in a long time. I can't blame the church. I can't blame my husband. I can't even blame myself. It's just simply messed up. Erin has been holding my hand for a couple of weeks now and I'm so thankful for her but I miss communicating with many of you also. I don't want anyone to think that I've stopped coming by and reading and checking in on you. I'm still here. It's just that many days I don't have anything to say that would require me to reach out of my own thoughts and feelings at the moment. I suppose that's selfish or at least lazy but I'm too overwhelmed to speak. I've made changes in my life that have kept me from literally having a nervous breakdown -- kids going to school as opposed to continuing to home school is a big part of that. Yet my marriage... oh my marriage... it goes from bad to worse to ok to even worse still in about 30 minute intervals. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. At the moment, I'm hopeless. I've been a friend. I've been objective. But after six weeks of constantly listening to him talk through his own junk - stuff that is painful for me to hear of course -- I am overwhelmed by it all, exhausted beyond words and simply crushed.
Maybe things will improve. Maybe not. What's important for me is that I get some peace in my life and soon. I don't even care what the end result of it is -- what it looks like in the end, I mean; together, separated ... what matters most is that something ends either way.
I'm drinking way too much. I've picked back up the cigarettes. I've stopped working out which I've been avid to do around 6 or 6:30 am every morning (cold, rain or shine) for a year now. I'm losing ground mentally and physically with myself all over this tide that keeps washing me out to sea. I realize that pain brings with it the benefit of depth of character and life but the process is oh so painful.
I'm rambling but I needed to. I can't post on my blog because it's seen by locals as well as I just don't 'ramble' there. I try to get things actually coherent. I came here just to spew I suppose.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
apples 2 apples
for those who don't know, there is a group of us who have been playing apples 2 apples for about 6 months now. we've finally decided to break for a small bit and start a new game soon. interested in joining? just visit the link and let us know you're interested. we'll be starting again sometime soon.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
ex pastor's wife sms'd me
I got an sms for the xpastor's wife.. after roughly 4 months.. it took 4 months.. but now I am stumped.. do I reply or do I leave it.. it was a basic sms "hi, thinking of you today, hope all well and have a lovely week."
should I just say,"well I am doing excellent thanks for asking, keep well too." or should i say,"well, no one except you has contacted me after 4 months apart from seeing your true colours I am glad to have left your church." nnaaa that's a bit too nastry and too truthful..?
Some advice pllleeease :(
should I just say,"well I am doing excellent thanks for asking, keep well too." or should i say,"well, no one except you has contacted me after 4 months apart from seeing your true colours I am glad to have left your church." nnaaa that's a bit too nastry and too truthful..?
Some advice pllleeease :(
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Struggling with God (or lack of God)
So...as I post this I kind of feel like I may sound like a broken record to some of you who may have read my blog...and like no one wants to hear me...but at every turn I feel like I face the same thing. Some days deep inside I have a longing to want to want to love and know God. But most days I don't care. I don't want to acknowledge, think about or talk to Him...I am kind of in the middle between living this christian life, doing the things I know how to do because that's what I've done for so long, and trying to find out who I am right now. I feel like I'm just so lost. I want to relate to someone...hang out with someone, but everywhere I turn, it's someone who I feel like expects me to be a christian, and I'm not sure I am anymore. I think if I told my husband this, he would be really upset...and I feel guilty for the way I feel when I look at my kids, but then I start to think that is just my socialization. I was raised in the church, left it for a while, came back full force and thought I had really experienced God...I wasn't hurt by the church, I think I just began to see things that just didn't exist or make sense...I never saw God do a thing in my own life or in anyone else's...only heard about all of these great things. And, it just seems like a lot of wasted time and energy to me now. I want to care, but I don't. And I'm kind of mad at myself for letting myself believe all of it, but at the same time I'm mad at myself for letting myself get to the place I'm in now. I feel like everything I've ever done/been/been taught is a load of crap, and I don't even know why. I'm not like many friends in this place who've been hurt by the church or those in it...I am not certain why I feel this way, but since church/christianity has been my life for so long, I'm lost now and don't know who I am. I don't know who God is, I don't know how to pray anymore, I don't know how to read the Bible or how to listen for God...but I feel like I should be doing all of these things. I guess, I am curious...why do you believe? What is your relationship like? Have you ever been in my place? Why do you put your energy into God? Why/How is He real to you? If you have never heard god or really experienced Him, why do you still do any of this? I've been asking for a few years now for God to show me who he really is, and to increase my longing for Him, but you know what has happened? I believe in God less now than ever, and I have no desire to know him or find him...and now I'm also angry at him :) If he really is. Part of me, when I think about God, thinks that it's all just a great story that I've heard for so long that it's just part of me...but the other part of me is scared that I'll probably go to hell for thinking that! What are your thoughts? Why would God, if He IS, hide his face? Why would he not show up for someone who is truly curious, truly searching? Why would god not heal someone? Not save someone? Why would he not just talk to us? Why must it all be so mysterious? Why can't he just be clear and plain and not so elusive? Why must it all be so archaic? So creepy? Why doesn't he do the things he says he's gonna do? Why doesn't he do the things he said he used to do? I'm just not really buying it anymore...the fact that maybe it's because we are not good enough christians? Our faith is too weak? We just don't see it when he works? We don't understand it? Then, what in the world is the point?
Monday, October 20, 2008
karate
My six year old son is very agile. You should see him break dance.. he pulls moves that if I had to try it, it would make my bones scream while breaking! He is like a little gymnast.
He is very little for his age. He likes to pull stunts like in the movies, all those karate moves. The teachers want to keep him back a year because they say he has a lack of self confidence (which is strange because at home, he is very self confident) anyway they recommend that he takes part in karate to build his self confidence and create discipline.
I would like your opinion on this.. do karate teachers teach beyond karate.. I don't want him learning about buhdda! or any other funny kinds of meditation or extra biblical teaching! I do think he will benefit if he learns to defend himself!
He is very little for his age. He likes to pull stunts like in the movies, all those karate moves. The teachers want to keep him back a year because they say he has a lack of self confidence (which is strange because at home, he is very self confident) anyway they recommend that he takes part in karate to build his self confidence and create discipline.
I would like your opinion on this.. do karate teachers teach beyond karate.. I don't want him learning about buhdda! or any other funny kinds of meditation or extra biblical teaching! I do think he will benefit if he learns to defend himself!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
a shy hi
I don't know why I feel "shy" about posting here. I just want to say thanks for the comments some of you have left me about my son and his recent problems (drugs) I am still not 100% confident that things are under control, but I am doing what I can one day at a time with him. Nothing in life feels certain to me these days.
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