hey all,
I would vent on my blog, but it's not a good place right now... I don't want to be a burden I just need prayer. I know many of us are dealing with A LOT and my prayers are with you...
As for me- I'm just pretty angry. I feel like a terrible person for it. It's complex. Last night I threw water at my husband. ( he was being kind of a jerk) I just saw the cup there, full of water and it seemed perfect. It all happened so fast. He was mad... but then apologetic. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore because I was afraid to throw other things.( I don't want to scare anyone... I don't normally throw stuff at people)
I think I'm just dealing with all the disappointment and mistreatment I received from people in the IC and some other issues. It has been very hard, I have been very low I have been physically feeling awful too. I need to work though this anger, somehow.
I'm too tired to explain more right now. I'll try to later
I was thankful that I got to sleep in today and I have another little while to myself, thank goodness. Anyone feeling so inclined, pray for me and my health. I ordered some nutritional support and supplements that should get here in less than a week hopefully. I need to take better care of myself for sure.
Thanks for being here for me to vent to- (I don't want advice but support is fine. I think I know what I need to do, it's just finding the strength...one step at a time)
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I rather think that the kitchen of an innkeeper wrongfully accused by history of being a harlot would be a safe place to lay down my burdens and sorrows. I believe she would have a willing and patient ear, a compassionately forgiving heart, a nonjudgemental spirit, and the grace that can only come from enduring thousands of years of slander. I also think that, if I would like to talk to anyone about Jesus, it would be this grandma more than any other person in history.
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15 comments:
Manu! You are not alone in this. I will be here for you always even on your worst days. We all have them and feel alone in the process, but your'e not alone... Support is what you have from me my friend!
God, give Manu strength and help her lean on your love and give her what she needs Father in the midst of this process. We all need you Father and its okay to lose it, for you will never leave us or forsake us. We depend on you Father and come before you for your loving support! Peace is what Manu needs Father and only you can give it to her!
Love you Manu for who you are!
Love, Nicole!
No advice, just encouragement.
You know, here's the real deal. Many of us, after leaving the IC, went through a lot of anger, some mild and some full blown rage. And it is easy to turn that into a physical act. It happens. You are dealing with betrayal, disappointment, the disapproval of others, you know -- stuff we wouldn't wish on anyone, and yet you are having it all slapped on you at once. Anger and rage are going to explode now and then, it is a natural part of this.
You may just want to remove all sharp objects from your home.
JUST KIDDING.
I will be praying for you, this is a tough time. No way to deny that.
Love to you sis.
Hi sweetie,
I understand your anger. It's kinda scary acknowledging it, isn't it? Feels like maybe there's actually an iceberg's worth of anger lying underneath and if we acknowledge the anger we are feeling, then maybe the anger underneath will whoosh up and our husband will be in chunks on the floor :)
So I just pray for Papa to show you safe places to vent your anger. And also for your health. Aagh, I know how desperately horrid it is being in your situation and my hat tips to you with a small daughter as well. And dealing with all the IC stuff. You have a full plate, my dear. Prayers for strength and help and hope and safe pockets to spew anger from :)
Manuela, man do I understand the anger. This is a safe place to let it show. Anger is a normal part of the process. I'd be more worried if you weren't angry, ;-)
Papa, give Manuela strength and wisdom and peace. take her by the hand and lead her safely from the places of bondage to the wide open spaces of freedom. Thanks.
Y' all are peaches
Thanks so VERY much Nikki. I cried when I read your comment.
Tyler,
Thanks for the laugh... yeah, I think it's a good idea to hide the sharp objects : D
Thanks again for validating the awful experience this often is... Thanks for your support. It means a lot
Seriously, something of the dark heaviness lifted shortly after I posted, amazing...
Sue & Katherine,
It's so nice to know you understand...
man, the anger is a beast, but I know part of the healing... It's so good to have these feelings validated rather than shunned. Why is everyone in the IC so tabooish about anger? Well, we can't just make it dissapear. It has to be acknowledged and worked through, even if it ain't pretty. It signals that some things are just wrong and need to be worked out.... There is no sin in that, geez! I'm glad to leave all that fearful pressure behind. I'm working through my stuff, because I have to.
Thank you and thank you both for your prayers. I really do need them and so appreciate them.
"Why is everyone in the IC so tabooish about anger?"
Maybe if some started expressing it then more would express it and then suddenly everyone would express it and they would realise they are the emperor with very little clothes, I dunno :)
Or maybe they're scared that the force of everyone expressing their repressed anger will blow the ceiling off all the rooves in the Western world. Heh :)
Or roofs, actually :)
yep roofs ;-)
Ya know I feel a little dumb asking this but I don't know what the IC is... I must've missed something.
Could someone fill me in ...
I'm thinking that the c stands for church?? maybe ???
IC = Institutional Church
manu-
no advice. okay. let me kick my male-mind out of fix-it mode...
my first thought is : at least you didn't throw the glass in his face with the water.
i threw a plate of food at my wife once, a couple of years ago, when i was first deconstructing. got rice everywhere. that was the first one. the second time i whipped two burner covers against the wall. it happens.
anger wasn't an emotion i was used to letting myself feel so i wasn't experienced at how to control it. all i could say was that i wasn't sorry for my feelings and why i had them, but i was sorry for the way i had allowed them to manifest. we eventually kissed and made up.
if you can begrudge me a question, (which is what i do- i ask questions) you mentioned your blog as not being a "good place right now." would you be willing to elaborate?
i simply ask because i have some experience with being "monitored" by those in my IC left behind. as well as running interference for others early in their process who don't have the words.
perhaps it has nothing to do with either. but if it in any way DOES, i just wanted you to know i would be willing to offer whatever help i can.
i have samples of my work you can view if you'd like... :-)
much love, grace, and peace to you tonight.
blow them rooves...(figuratively, of course)
Hi Valorosa, the IC stands for the Institutional Church...I don't know if that helps-
It helps immensely ;-)
I actually had finally figured it out when I was reading a few posts down.
Thanks Jon.
Manuela ~ No judgment, just prayer. For I know what it is like to blow your stack for no reason whatsoever. It is ugly, it is scary and I so hate doing it.
...looks like I wrote a novel here
Hey Jon, I think we posted at the same time last night...
Thanks for the encouragement. You made me laugh about having samples of your work to show me ... : D cracks me up-
But yeah!, i'd like to see them.
As far as me not being able to vent freely on my blog... I don't feel too comfortable because I know folks from my ex-church visit and I don't want them knowing all my struggles that will just justify to them their specualtions about me being on a bad path.... No one has actually been too rude to me about leaving, some good friends have sort of dissapeared. Oh, well, i'm not totally ready to explain myself in person yet either... It's painful, but it's transition time. I guess all transitions are tough...
Today I honestly felt so much better and I had peace and I enjoyed my day with my daughter...thank you all, really!! I thank God for you all. I was a mess... can't do this alone. The power of God through prayer is truly amazing, truly. Wow and wow. We are all so interconnected through prayer and it's GREAT. Truly thankful...can't you tell. I'm hoping my emotions will balance out in time...
I was raised to repress everything, but thankfully I found an outlet through writing and music early on, to keep my sanity, especially while in the IC
( and I really thank God for that) Still, in a vacuum nothing is worthwhile or even that much of a release. The IC's community wasn't really real. It always left me dry and begging for something more, some scrap of something.... begging for love. It's not supposed to be that way!! I kept church hopping thinking it was the particular church I was at, until I finally got the picture. I had spent myself completely... was slow to get it. I let myself get beat up one too many times. It really saddens me so many people submit themselves to this and think it's God.
Thanks Mike for relating : ) working it out and moving on... Is all we can all do
I just wanna praise our Dad for the wonder that he is
:-) yeah, i guess that is worth a couple of laughs...
this is one of my favorites. it was a real turning point for me. god really used the experience to help me grow. you will see the change in my responses from one of sheer defensiveness to thoughtful articultaion without fear. which was a big one for me.
i used to be so afraid of doctrines because i didn't know enough in my newfound worldview to combat it. now i do know enough to know god loves me as i am, and most doctrines are simply man's point of view. and i don't need to worry about disagreeing with men affecting how god feels about me.
so, if you're now effectively curious, here is the link. (the controversy doesn't really start until around comment 20.) enjoy!
I felt a bit ill reading those comments, Jon. I wish I would stop getting so worked up when Christians outright condemn each other to hell, but I have a real problem with it.
Part of that problem is that one day I can see groups of Christians killing groups of Christians all in the name of upholding the name of Christ because some of those Christians are just too out-there and doctrinally incorrect and yada yada yada yada. That scares me, I must say.
BUT, I was really happy to see that in most part this conversation ended with people agreeing to disagree and not condemning each other to hell anymore. Nice :)
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