Friday, October 31, 2008

asking for prayer again....

Please pray for me.

You have no idea how hard it is for me to say those four words. It seems selfish or self-centered, but that's a LIE. I know that when I pray for others, it makes a difference to them and to me. When we are hopeless or helpless all we can do is pray.

I am starting to believe in prayer again. I am afraid not to. It seems like my life just keeps getting more and more dark, sad, serious, heartbreaking things added to it. I can't take much more. I know this is probably wrong thinking but a few months ago I was begging God to let me know if he was real, and I had this HUGE fear come over me like he was going to bring a bunch of horrible things in my life so I would have no where to go but to him. I really thought it would be cancer for me. But its not (yet anyhow)....

...its my son using serious drugs and having other problems
...its losting a friend to suicide and finding out I was is ONLY friend
...its feeling misunderstood and chastised by my co-workers because I am not the kind of Christian they are

So...please pray. Not much you can pray for involving my dead friend, but please pray for my son....I don't know what to do next....I am begging God that his drug test comes out clean tomorrow. If not...I will be faced with some serious decisions.

Thank you so much,
Prodigal Daughter Blog

Messed Up

Hi all,
I want so much to blog on my site and clear my head but the words just won't flow. This is a place of general conversation and obvious love and acceptance so I've landed here simply to say that my life is massively messed up right now. More-so than it has been in a long time. I can't blame the church. I can't blame my husband. I can't even blame myself. It's just simply messed up. Erin has been holding my hand for a couple of weeks now and I'm so thankful for her but I miss communicating with many of you also. I don't want anyone to think that I've stopped coming by and reading and checking in on you. I'm still here. It's just that many days I don't have anything to say that would require me to reach out of my own thoughts and feelings at the moment. I suppose that's selfish or at least lazy but I'm too overwhelmed to speak. I've made changes in my life that have kept me from literally having a nervous breakdown -- kids going to school as opposed to continuing to home school is a big part of that. Yet my marriage... oh my marriage... it goes from bad to worse to ok to even worse still in about 30 minute intervals. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. At the moment, I'm hopeless. I've been a friend. I've been objective. But after six weeks of constantly listening to him talk through his own junk - stuff that is painful for me to hear of course -- I am overwhelmed by it all, exhausted beyond words and simply crushed.

Maybe things will improve. Maybe not. What's important for me is that I get some peace in my life and soon. I don't even care what the end result of it is -- what it looks like in the end, I mean; together, separated ... what matters most is that something ends either way.

I'm drinking way too much. I've picked back up the cigarettes. I've stopped working out which I've been avid to do around 6 or 6:30 am every morning (cold, rain or shine) for a year now. I'm losing ground mentally and physically with myself all over this tide that keeps washing me out to sea. I realize that pain brings with it the benefit of depth of character and life but the process is oh so painful.

I'm rambling but I needed to. I can't post on my blog because it's seen by locals as well as I just don't 'ramble' there. I try to get things actually coherent. I came here just to spew I suppose.


Hey I am Barbara and I am older than dirt compared to all of you! I am closer to 50 than 40 and that's all I'm saying about that.

I am a single mom (never married) to an almost 17 year old man-child. He's the love of my life and the cause of my deepest concerns.

I was raised in a Catholic church but left at age 13 to "seek spiritual truth" and spent years in the New Age movement and learning about Eastern Religions. I did NOT want to be a Christian because the ones i knew were so mean. But, at age 29 I was scared enough by the threat of hell being real that I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and joined the ultimate in conservative fundie churches. Not only that but I started working for the biggest International Ministry around and have been here since my son was in diapers.

I was hurt by several things that happened to me in various churches over the years (including being ostracized for getting pregnant out of "wedlock" what a great word for marriage, eh?) BUT in spite of being hurt I never blamed the church, only myself for being such a lowlife worm. I felt I deserved all the harsh treatment I got because I sinned.

Then a few years ago I fell in love with a man who was not a Christian and actually gave up the relationship. That was the beginning of the end. I realized that I had given so much of my life for something that I brought me mostly shame, guilt and sadness.

Sure, I had good moments too. But when I was honest with myself I had to admit that I was faking the Christian life. It was something I DID because I was expected to, not because it was who I was. So I quit going to church (no one missed me even though I'd been at that one for 8 years) and stopped reading the Bible and started over from scratch.

Now I go back and forth on a daily basis of what I believe and what I don't. I love most of my Christian friends (online) and wish I had their faith, I miss it. But in honesty, none of it makes sense to me. I still pray but I'm not sure why. I still believe - sort of. I am really just a mess :) but am coming to terms that "not knowing what I believe" is okay for now.

I thank you for allowing me to be part of your site here.

Visit Barbara at Prodigal Daughter

Thursday, October 30, 2008

request for my mother

in about 2 months it will be the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. this has obviously been very hard for my mom. she was married back in 1961 at the age of 18, so she went straight from her parents house to being married. she has never lived alone before, much less in a place as big as the twin cities metro area she lives in now. it is all very frightening and lonely for her. with the american "holidays" rapidly approaching, her first set without him, i was hoping we could bathe her in prayer. she could really use it. thanks gang.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

apples 2 apples

for those who don't know, there is a group of us who have been playing apples 2 apples for about 6 months now. we've finally decided to break for a small bit and start a new game soon. interested in joining? just visit the link and let us know you're interested. we'll be starting again sometime soon.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Finding Happy-ness

Hey, y'all. Can I just say how nice it is to be able to slam in the side-door, throw myself down at the table, and just bawl?

It isn't about anything, really - at least in a couple of days it won't be. But I found out yesterday that something I didn't even realize I wanted to happen as badly as I wanted it is probably not going to happen at all, and I'm just sad about it. You could guess from the name that I am a relatively upbeat person, even when things are tough, and it's true, for the most part, but like any artist, I have a bit of a melancholy streak, and it's running strong today. I know the "answer" is to simply take my heartache to Jesus and cry it out, and I'm going to go do that - it's a beautiful, sunny, blustery fall day, perfect for a walk in the woods (the wind accounts nicely for wet cheeks) - and that's where I'm bound - but I wanted a brownie first, and a hug, so I thought I'd come here...

If you would simply pray for me that Jesus would help me get an emotional grip and the proper perspective on something that in the grand scheme of things really isn't as big of a deal as I think it is, and that I would find myself truly Happy again, and not this out-of-sorts person I feel like today, that would totally rock. Thank you...

update from nate

so nate called me the other day to say thank you for the prayers. they have been wonderful. but then he realized that as wonderful as the prayers for him are, he's not the one who needs it most. nate is the manager of a restaurant and he would like prayer for his crew. for his junior management staff mostly (who are very inexperienced) that they would gain wisdom and grow in their abilities to lead the rest of the staff and execute their responsibilities.

i would go so far as to say since we're praying, why don't we go the full 9? let's ask that the lives of all the staff be affected deeply. that the whole crew would grow into a tight knit community of people who care about their work and care about each other. that a spirit of love and joy would pervade the crew and they would begin to grow together. that they would all help to create something stable for one another in such unstable times.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

ex pastor's wife sms'd me

I got an sms for the xpastor's wife.. after roughly 4 months.. it took 4 months.. but now I am stumped.. do I reply or do I leave it.. it was a basic sms "hi, thinking of you today, hope all well and have a lovely week."

should I just say,"well I am doing excellent thanks for asking, keep well too." or should i say,"well, no one except you has contacted me after 4 months apart from seeing your true colours I am glad to have left your church." nnaaa that's a bit too nastry and too truthful..?

Some advice pllleeease :(

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

More Tech Stuff

For those who are Facebook members or want to be Facebook members and are on the blog network there, Rahab's Kitchen is now on the blog network. I didn't put an author do it as of yet but I personally think that since Tyler Dawn created this site to begin with, she should be listed as the author. What do you think?

You can find Rahab's Kitchen by searching the Facebook Blog Network or by going to my blog network page or you can just click here and go right to it. :)

Happy Facebooking!!

Struggling with God (or lack of God) I post this I kind of feel like I may sound like a broken record to some of you who may have read my blog...and like no one wants to hear me...but at every turn I feel like I face the same thing. Some days deep inside I have a longing to want to want to love and know God. But most days I don't care. I don't want to acknowledge, think about or talk to Him...I am kind of in the middle between living this christian life, doing the things I know how to do because that's what I've done for so long, and trying to find out who I am right now. I feel like I'm just so lost. I want to relate to someone...hang out with someone, but everywhere I turn, it's someone who I feel like expects me to be a christian, and I'm not sure I am anymore. I think if I told my husband this, he would be really upset...and I feel guilty for the way I feel when I look at my kids, but then I start to think that is just my socialization. I was raised in the church, left it for a while, came back full force and thought I had really experienced God...I wasn't hurt by the church, I think I just began to see things that just didn't exist or make sense...I never saw God do a thing in my own life or in anyone else's...only heard about all of these great things. And, it just seems like a lot of wasted time and energy to me now. I want to care, but I don't. And I'm kind of mad at myself for letting myself believe all of it, but at the same time I'm mad at myself for letting myself get to the place I'm in now. I feel like everything I've ever done/been/been taught is a load of crap, and I don't even know why. I'm not like many friends in this place who've been hurt by the church or those in it...I am not certain why I feel this way, but since church/christianity has been my life for so long, I'm lost now and don't know who I am. I don't know who God is, I don't know how to pray anymore, I don't know how to read the Bible or how to listen for God...but I feel like I should be doing all of these things. I guess, I am curious...why do you believe? What is your relationship like? Have you ever been in my place? Why do you put your energy into God? Why/How is He real to you? If you have never heard god or really experienced Him, why do you still do any of this? I've been asking for a few years now for God to show me who he really is, and to increase my longing for Him, but you know what has happened? I believe in God less now than ever, and I have no desire to know him or find him...and now I'm also angry at him :) If he really is. Part of me, when I think about God, thinks that it's all just a great story that I've heard for so long that it's just part of me...but the other part of me is scared that I'll probably go to hell for thinking that! What are your thoughts? Why would God, if He IS, hide his face? Why would he not show up for someone who is truly curious, truly searching? Why would god not heal someone? Not save someone? Why would he not just talk to us? Why must it all be so mysterious? Why can't he just be clear and plain and not so elusive? Why must it all be so archaic? So creepy? Why doesn't he do the things he says he's gonna do? Why doesn't he do the things he said he used to do? I'm just not really buying it anymore...the fact that maybe it's because we are not good enough christians? Our faith is too weak? We just don't see it when he works? We don't understand it? Then, what in the world is the point?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Working Mother

I need you guys to pray for me please. I am a mum of 3 who works 4 days per week because we need the money but the truth is I hate it. I really want to be a stay at home mother most of the time and perhaps work a day or so. I get up at 5 am every day rush around get the kids to school and day care wotk till 6 or 7 come how rush around then go to bed at 10-11 exhausted and very sad.
Yesterday I had a nursing home complain and make up lies about me to my boss. I wrote an apology for something I didnt do. I feel like an idiot !
I feel like everything I do just goes wrong eventually.
On top of that I am so unsure of what God wants us to do with our lives. He seems to me to be being paricularly still and quiet.
I have long standing post natal derpession on top of it all and was babdly hurt by the established church and as a consequence take a happy pill everyday which I hate
Basically I feel at the end of myself.
Can you pray that God will clearly show us that we are on the right track.


My six year old son is very agile. You should see him break dance.. he pulls moves that if I had to try it, it would make my bones scream while breaking! He is like a little gymnast.

He is very little for his age. He likes to pull stunts like in the movies, all those karate moves. The teachers want to keep him back a year because they say he has a lack of self confidence (which is strange because at home, he is very self confident) anyway they recommend that he takes part in karate to build his self confidence and create discipline.

I would like your opinion on this.. do karate teachers teach beyond karate.. I don't want him learning about buhdda! or any other funny kinds of meditation or extra biblical teaching! I do think he will benefit if he learns to defend himself!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

a shy hi

I don't know why I feel "shy" about posting here. I just want to say thanks for the comments some of you have left me about my son and his recent problems (drugs) I am still not 100% confident that things are under control, but I am doing what I can one day at a time with him. Nothing in life feels certain to me these days.

Friday, October 17, 2008

not to sound too needy or anything

we've got a lot of stuff coming our way right now and could use mucho prayer-o. (that's about as good as my spanish gets) firstly, there's contemplating moving back to intentional parties on a much more regular basis.

then there is the fact that our son zaavan started kindergarten this year and he has to be up at the butt-crack of dawn. this is new to our 2nd shift family. i have been getting to sleep around 1-2am only to have to get up at 7am for the past 6 weeks and i am fried. we need to find a new routine that works for our family.

and with the holidays rapidly approaching, it brings up another problem i have. i had a messy ordeal leaving the IC. not a surprise, more than a few of us here stumbled upon some dark secret of our IC and subsequently found things out about our leaders that we didn't want to know. and experieced some horrible emotional and mental and spiritual pain at their hands that we would have preferred not to. the bigger problem in my situation is that the pastor of the church where this happened is also my brother-in-law. so instead of being able to completely leave it in the past and move on, it keeps coming back every major holiday. i would like to be able to heal and move on with my heart and life and stop having it be such a major issue internally.

and finally, toddler issues! our daughter, rowyn, is now 17 months and into EVERYTHING. no surprise there for most of you i'm sure. but as zaavan was never like this, we are not sure how to draw boundaries properly and know which battles to choose. we can be hard-asses over everything (which i don't think is completely right) or we can be soft about everything (which i don't think is entirely right either) or we can find a balance. but how? is it always like this? are they always so crazy and obstinant? does this ever fade? or does it just become less frequent? or is it different with every kid? prayers and advice welcome.

thank you guys for just being here. you are very much loved and appreciated.

Some More Tech Stuff

Sue said this in a prior comment:

"I've changed the antispam settings. I hate having to do that too, and seeing it's only registered users that can comment here I figure it's probably safe"

I want to open this up for some discussion as to what the best method for this would be. Sue has a point in that when comments are open up to everyone (including anonymous), there is a higher probability to receive spam comments. I had the thought that if we don't open the comments to all, it would be like only serving communion to "members". What do you think?

There is always the option of opening the comments to everyone and then requiring word verification. This would cut down spam to almost nil (giving that there is always a chance that it can get through). Also, contributors to the blog are not required to use word verification when commenting on posts.

What are your thoughts?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Shall we try for another child?

Okay, so my husband Mike and I have been going back and forth for like a year now about having another child, you know, trying to get pregnant (we move slow). We're both if-y on it even though we want one. We just want to be wise... It seems like a big decision. The pressure also comes in that I'm now 35 and my biological clock is speeding up here....
So I thought I'd ask for prayer... that God would guide us and give us peace either way, I don't know. Maybe we are over thinking it. I think knowing others are praying would help.
One concern we have is that I struggle with fatigue sometimes as it is, especially in the mornings...and I don't want to bite off more than I can chew. Where is the line between faith and foolishness? Is that a dumb question? I don't know why I/ we are fearful about it.... is it God's warning or our own issues? It's hard to tell sometimes, in this area.
Also, any moms out there of multiple kids, if you'd like to perhaps share how things changed between having one and then two children... Was it much more demanding...? How was it different? What are the age gaps between your kids? As I mentioned, Maggie is now 4... so she'd be older...
Thanks all and much love! I really thank God for this "place"

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


For those of you who are interested, I am thinking of posting happy birthday messages here. If you are interested forward me your birthdays and I'll keep track of them on my calendar and maybe try and find a way to put it into a widget.

**Age and birth year disclosure is optional.

Well, got it all figured out

Okay, so I went to the doctor and He said that what happened was a combination of a few things.

(1) I had an extreme reaction to Claritin 24, which is notorious for reacting badly with bp meds (despite no warning label!)

(2) I had bad allergies to ragweed for the first time in my life

(3) Evidently I have asthma, which has been triggered by living in a high humidity area for the first time in about 30 years. It is comforting to know that the chest tightness isn't my heart!

So I will live after all. Thanks to everyone for praying, don't know how i would have gotten through without you guys lifting me up. Love you all!

Monday, October 13, 2008

From the Techie Corner

Hello All.

First off, I want to thank Heather for creating and hosting the Rahab's widgets. These are an awesome addition to your sites and she did an outstanding job with them!!

Like Jon noticed before, the "blog list" was removed because I found that if you use Google Reader, as soon as you log in to Google to do anything with this page, the names listed in this widget automatically changed the format of the names in your Google Reader. It's just craziness!! At any rate, I added just a simple blog roll style list with everybody on it. If I missed anyone, please let me know by sending me an email at bobbavicto(at)gmail(dot)com and I will make the changes.

I'm still waiting for some pictures so if you feel comfortable with that, send them along so they can be added to the slideshow.

There is quite literally a "ton of stuff" that can be done in the sidebar using HTML so if you have an idea, we'll give it a run!!

Happy Blogging and thanks for being here in the kitchen with us!


I am so pleased that I finally made it here! I have been trying for 3 weeks to log on so I can contribute and comment.
I love the concept of this place. A safe place to share and ask poeple to pray. Well done to those of you who startes it
I look forward to sharing in this journey of faith will all those who find themselves in the kitchen

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Hello There!

HI everyone. I am pleased to contribute to Rahab's Kitchen! After many errors of trying to log on.. I did some searching and finally I got here! Don't you just love troubleshooting? Like the favicon for instance.. that is one thing I am still working on..

Anyway, moving away from the trouble shooting of computers and blogs.. I have been doing my own trouble shooting on 'life'. Finding a church is one major trouble shooting area for me. I dislike being a first time visiter as everyone makes a b-line for us after the service when we just actually want to browze around. We tried out a baptist church on Sunday. The sermon itself was excellent.. I think almost every sentence spoken was magnifying Jesus and what he did for us. But it was just not for us. The majority of them were wearing suits.. There I was with my army pants and my denim jacket... I didn't quite fit in haha..

The worship was like this"thus, doeth, sayeth, goeth stuff" it was 'boringeth' My son kept frowning at me as if to say,"mommy, why are we here, I am bored stiff."

I am starting to think that maybe my expectations are too high. I just don't know, If I could find a church that doesn't bother about the way they dress and just love one another that would be a good start. I am looking for preaching that preaches Jesus and worship that honestly is worship without the hype, that would be a good place.

However I am trying not to pressurize myself. I always thought if you are not in church, you are missing out on God (that was drilled into us by my Xpastor). So my deconstruction is to see that the kingdom of God is indeed within me and not some building.. That beyond church, God is with me.

Enough of my rambling. Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome, I am more than honored to contribute here!

No Motivation Or Inspiration

I think I am in a rut in my life. My husband works to support us both and I only work a couple hours a week with all the time in the world to pursue and do things that I want to do. But, right now, I feel like I don’t have any motivation or inspiration to do anything. I feel like I am wasting this free time I have. I have worked since I was in high school and through college, and now I am at a point in my life that I don’t have to work, but do things that I want to do. My husband asked me the other day what I want to do with my free time and I just stood there with blank thoughts thinking that I am not sure if I have any motivation to do anything… It is the funniest thing. I used to think if I was ever in a place that I didn’t have to work, I would fill up my time doing certain things, but now that I am actually living it out, I don’t have the motivation to do the things I once thought I wanted to do. Sheesh, I am probably coming across spoiled and stupid, and I could understand that for those who work their asses off without any free time to pursue the things they want. I feel very stupid for not having the motivation and inspiration to do things I would like to do. I even have to think really hard at what those things are. I think I would cook more if I had an actual kitchen. I am house-sitting right now and have cooked a meal every single night I have been here! It’s been really nice, but I know that once I go back home I won’t have the motivation to do anything of the sort in my little kitchen nook I have. I love to write, and I have written a lot once I started my blog, I would love to sharpen my writing skills more and write a book or something someday. That would be really cool actually if I had the motivation to support that kind of mindful work. I like to do art projects, but again, in my small studio apartment, there isn’t much room to do much of anything that has to do with art, takes up a whole lot of room that I don’t have. Those are just a few ideas that I have roaming in my head.
I have a negative outlook on things these days and I don’t like being like this. I pray that Father would give me the motivation and inspiration to do something productive, fun and rewarding while I have all the time in the world to do so!

If anyone has any ideas, please, share, for I could use any kind of encouragement and ideas to possibly pursue. Also, if you could, please pray that Father will let me know what He wants me to do with my time as well!


Saturday, October 11, 2008


Hi guys.
I am not really asking for anything, as I don't feel that anything other than a soul purging would help. I am here to say that I'm just so tired and frustrated and disappointed and ... broken. I have no more energy to fight. I have lost all "give a shit"s. I just want to pack my shit, hop in my car and drive ten states away. No I can't do that, nor will I. I guess I'm just sitting here at the counter, eating a cookie, and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for having a place that I can do that.

Prayer pliz

Hey all,

I ask prayer for me, please. I feel so bitter, twisted and cynical these days, mainly about men.
Well, not about men as such. I like men. But about my ability to be able to be in romantic relationships with them. I guess it's something that tends to happen after a marriage breakup where you were the one who couldn't breathe while your husband was happy. I have worked through a lot of guilt about that, but maybe there is some to go, I'm not sure.

I don't feel happy writing about this on my blog for reasons I won't go into, but sometimes I feel like I could head down the cynical and twisted road and never come back. I dunno, maybe it's just the mood I'm in lately. I have been feeling unwell all week and I am so fed up with feeling unwell, cannot bear it at all, and I know it affects my mood, makes me surly. But I know that only God can fix this in me, it's not something I can heal myself. And sometimes I wonder if he will or if there is some other intent in him for me. I'm not sure.

But prayers would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks guys n girls.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Get your own Rahab's Kitchen button or banner

To put one of these buttons or banners on your blog or website, copy and paste the html code below the image into a html widget/gadget or onto your website. You can change the width and height of the images by altering the "width=" or "height=" attribute that needs changing then deleting the other attribute. For example, if the image is too wide, change the "width" attribute to what you need then delete the part that says height="x".

<a href=""><img border="0" width="271" height="271"

><a href=""><img border="0" width="536" height="163"

<a href=""><img border="0" width="271" height="82"

<a href=""><img border="0" width="499" height="163"

<a href=""><img border="0" width="163" height="396"

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Any of you artistic/techy kinda people want to create a banner image for Rahab's place that we can put on our blogs? If you can create it, I can host it.

Any takers?

You all are Brilliant!

Thanks for setting me up Erin!

I just wanted to let you guys know how wonderful you all are. Just the other day I found someone (getting there) through my google search on Spiritual abuse, I gave a link to her on my website and you guys just did what you are brilliant at. You logged onto her site and began to encourage her. (To Getting There: I did not ask for these people to comment. They just do this!)

You are amazing. I'm so glad to be a part of who you are and even call you friends. This is what 'church' is all about.

Thanks so much for what you do here on the web. It is because of you that many people (like ME) don't feel so alone in this journey through detox.

You are the best ever!!

Thanks Guys

My chest still hurts, but I have really been uplifted by your love, acceptance and prayers. I even have a friend who can come live with me if something goes wrong. In any event, I have much more peace now about what is happening. I am going to go veggie for a few days in order to detox my system of the Claritin and see what happens. I love you guys more than you can possibly know. I was so terrified yesterday, the thought of having another stroke and being trapped inside my brain again is not a pleasant thought.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I need your help badly

Guys, something is wrong. Ragweed and mold are high and having lived in the desert for the past 12 years I am having bad problems with it, but the real problem is my blood pressure. My chest has been aching and my blood pressure is 144/103 and that's with my blood pressure meds! I really need for you all to pray please.

I had a dream about a month or so ago and everything has happened in it except for the last thing -- I was bedridden and some woman was nursing me back to health and in it there was a blog where all of my internet friends were sending me well wishes. I didn't even make the connection once this group got set up that I was making part of the dream happen.

In any event, I am going to bed.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Additions to the Sidebar

Hi Everyone.

I have added a subscription widget to the sidebar for posts and comments. With this particular one, in order to view all of the different options to subscribe, you either need to open the page with Internet Explorer or if you use a browser such as Firefox like I do, you can open the page using an I.E. Tab.

UPDATE: The tab is now working properly, even in Firefox. There was something about it being on the bottom of the sidebar. Must be an internet ghost thing or something.

I.E. Tab is an add-on for Firefox and is available here.

I finally got the candle thingy working on the slide show so that's what I'm staying with for awhile. Again, if you want to participate make sure you send me your pics at bobbavicto(at)gmail(dot)com.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

A Request

Hey, guys. Man, this is hard. I'm not used to asking for help - bothering people is how I've always seen it. But here goes.

I would value your support - prayers... I am entering into a long held off part of the healing process. I admit I am a little afraid. I have looked at the underlying things that paved the way for the molestation to happen. And that was hard - seeing my family, my parents in a totally different way; coming to terms with the fact that they abused me (still working on that one, actually). Getting expelled from a destructive church and coming to terms with the destructive nature of religion (still working on that one, too). Getting myself extricated from the dysfunctional family system that continued to abuse me.

But now, I must go inward again and look to the little girl that has been hiding for so long - acknowledge her, comfort her, bring her back into the light. I am going to have to face the pain and outrage of what was done.

I may not blog much for a while - I don't know.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

I Made It

Well, the week has passed and I made it out alive and sane (whatever that means!). Everyone is well, healing, older and some of us are sleep deprived, yet still happy. Even through all of this, I managed to get everything done that I wanted and a few more things than I planned on.

The Birthday Party was today and it was so awesome! Look for some pictures on my site in the next few days.

Thank you for all your prayers

Friday, October 3, 2008

Family Dealings – Continuation

Fear is not the tool that Father uses to draw us closer to Him. It is out of pure and unconditional love that draws us closer to Him. He uses the power of love that points out the good that we have in our hearts and always acknowledges that we are good in the worst of situations that we may find ourselves in. Never does He use guilt and manipulation to bring us to repentance.

Today I wrote my sister an email and Father showed me through a recent blog post I wrote that my sister is good even if her choices aren’t. I see now that I can love her without going along with her choices, but loving her in these unsettling and unknown times. As far as the future is concerned and what else will unravel in this, I ask that you continue to pray that Father will give me grace to love her more and more. Thank you again for such wonderful thoughts and encouragement. For through you, God whispers great things…

“If you speak, be sure it is love that moves you.” (Valorosa)

how does blogging affect your life?

the good, the bad. the healing, the pain. managing time between this world and the physical world. curious how it is for others, and now that we have a little community thing going on, i thought i would ask.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


I'm Sue. I'm 37, separated, living in Melbourne, Australia. I've been out of the IC type thang for about 8 years now (wow). Loving this unfolding life in God where I have less control and more security than I ever really thought possible. I am rebuilding my life in drastically simplified fashion after being sick for over 6 years and being separated from my husband for the past 2. Life has been a bitch, and HARD, and shitty, and I have spent great swathes wanting to be dead when I'm not totally joying that I am alive. Things have settled down somewhat now and I'm not quite so suicidal anymore. I have begun immersing myself in paint and clay and pencils, which is kind of a scary thing after not allowing myself to do it for 25 years :) I also love writing poetry and blogging. I love my dog, music, philosophizing, meditating on the mystical, pondering the imponderables.

Visit Sue at Discombobula


I'm Heather from Melbourne, Australia.

I am part of a church still, but it's more of a community than a strict churchy thing. We meet mostly in homes. Together with my husband Alex and my two girls Ashley (10) and Stephanie (7) I left my CLB about 2 1/2 years ago. Since then I have been learning, growing and getting closer to God than I ever had been in the 15+ years I had in various pentecostal churches.

I love music - almost anything that's slightly funky and different, and almost nothing that's played on the mainstream radio stations. It has to be a little different and quirky. Current favourites are Mojo Juju and the Snake Oil Merchants, Jackson Jackson and The Cat Empire. I just found a new one on Saturday when I heard her play live - Rosie Burgess. Just ordered her CD.

Other than that I do the mothering thing, the wifey thing, the working thing (PA to the director of a nursing home) and the friend thing and the blogging thing - all with some degree of success but I could probably do better on all fronts.

I'm mostly behaved, occasionally naughty (Erin is SUCH a bad influence!) and I love being part of the blogging community, even if I don't get as much time to comment (or post!) as I'd like to.

Do I win the prize for the wordiest comment? No, that's probably jON. No surprises there!

Heather blogs at A Deconstructed Christian


Hi - I'm Michelle, 35 yrs old. I will have been married 16 years in a week or two and lately have come to wonder if we'll actually make it to the date. Life has been quite painful and hard lately. We left I.C. April 2006 and have only gone back to a much different and more liberal kind of group in June of this year. I said I'd never go anywhere again and I also said I'd never play music again - born and bred musician here -- but I've recently eaten those words. That part at least has been good and refreshing.

I work from home -- after quitting said job back in March they agreed to let me work remotely. I home school my three young children, 8 yr old, 6 yr old and 4 yr old. I cook, I clean, I worry, I fret, I have anxiety/panic attacks, I feel insecure most of the time -- including once I post this I'll think that I probably shouldn't have.

I'm tired and exhausted and flat worn out. I want to be ok with myself and in my head. I am no longer upset with God and church which my blog and you friends have been a huge part of that process - for that I'm thankful. Yet I still haven't reconciled many things that probably need to be regarding matters of faith. I mostly just get de-railed these days on daily living and the most recent shit-storm personally/emotionally that has blown up in my life. People that know me say that at least I'm honest. That probably means I overwhelm them with not saying "fine" when I am asked how I am doing. But, at least I got that going for me.

Pay a visit to Michelle at Diary of a Doubting Believer


Hi, I'm Kari...I'm 29, but almost 30. I've been married for 6 yrs to Luke, mom to 2 yr old Mayah and 11 mo old Sam who was born without a thyroid, but is doing great. I have moved 3 times in the last 5 yrs...because of my husband's job. I am a Texan, but have lived in Minneapolis, Falls City NE, and now Cincinnati.

I'm a pessimist...and a romantic...
I'm shy and insecure...

My mom was killed in a car accident when I was 11, and at the time I was experiencing God more than I ever have in my life, so when she died I blamed him for her death and am still angry at him for it. I've asked him to change my heart, but it's still the same.

I've been in and out of church...not any particular denomination, and though it's hard for me to trust, I still feel like I'm learning a little about what's really on God's those parents I've met here who have given their lives for their disabled children in a way that makes me ball my eyes out...and other things that have nothing to do with the IC.

I really like to play cards and drink wine and I really enjoy being outside even if it's cold...I love coffee and chocolate and big big dogs and my days seem to go much much better when I have any kind of music playing in the background.

I used to really really love to read Tom Robbins and Henry Miller and analyze and philosophize...but I don't smoke pot anymore, and now I only have the time and energy for light fluff, but I do love to read.

Pay Kari a visit at Karilynnbryant's Weblog


I'm Susan. I'm older than anyone else that's here - that's a worry! I have been married for a very long time and have three adult children, two married one engaged. No grandchildren as yet. I live in Victoria Australia but I was actually born in the UK, came to Oz when I was 6. I came to faith at 14 from a non-churched background and have attended a IC ever since, even though I have been disillusioned many times yet God has kept me there. I love books and writing. I have written a book and I'm currently rewritting it (again!) in the hope of getting it published.

Susan blogs at A Booklook and at The Bible Study Place


jON, here. i'm 33. husband of 12 years to wife, erin 31. (who is not THE erin around here, so the wife stops by, she's mrs. peres.) two children: son: zaavan 6 and daughter: rowyn 18 months. zaavan has extreme cerebral palsey/MR and takes a lot of care, but it's well worth it. rowyn is quick to do things i tell her not to, so some days i wonder who it is with the disability. :-)

i've been out of the IC for about 2.33 years now. my leaving was quite an ordeal which i still don't fully understand, but i am much better and happier for the leaving. even though it's painful to obey god, i grow through the pain and he gives me what i need to get by. i love this global blogosphere community i am a part of. strengthening old bonds and connecting new ones all the time.

i think watching movies about existential philosophy is fun. (waking life, i heart huckabees) LOVE playing games and having friends over for game night. (i consider it church for me, but i don't always tell them that!) i feel at home among metalheads, potheads, hippies, atheists, and goths. i'm vulgar and crude. i am also a naughty potty mouth. i think the word FUCK is the greatest word in the english language. and here's why. i also have a penchant for reading fantasy/sci-fi.

and instead of blood coarsing in my veins, it is actually concentrated musical groove. i have no end of interest in music with heart. oooh! and i'm long-winded. hard to get less than 1000 words out of me.

nice to meet you all. it is so good to "see" this place with my own eyes. it is the space i have been dreaming of for 3 years.

much love.

Make sure to pay jON a visit at Something Else


I turned 35 last month ( was a biggie for me). I was born and raised in Buenos Aires Argentina till I was 12. Raised Catholic... but had no clue who God was. Thought he was a tyrant... Lost my mom when I was 14, and then abandoned by dad shortly after (among other messes). Met wonderful Jesus for the first time at age 19 while reading the book of Matthew out of desperation and curiosity. Hadn't picked up a bible before then...

I'm wife to Mike and momma to Maggie, Leo and Bonnie ( my two cats). Leo will actually be hanging out here at Rahab's to provide unconditional love to any who need it. I will post his picture. He's a very anointed kitty, in the true sense of the word, and thrives on giving love. Bonnie is more elusive but always a sweet baby. I would have her come to Rahab's too but you'd never see her : )
Lets see... I love music (who doesn't) and making music, watching films, reading and writing, chilling outside... I just got a bike not too long ago that I really wanna ride...( it needs some repairs)

What else... Maggie, who's almost 4, is the apple of my eye....I love lots of stuff, but my deepest longing is to taste and experience the true God in community, somehow...

Manuela blogs at Graced All Over

Katherine Gunn

Well, I am Katherine (but not really). I have been blogging under a pseudonym. First, so that my family cannot be identified and hurt by the things I journal about. Second, so that my ex-pastor doesn't get wind and decide to sue me for the things I journal about. Any of the above who read my blog would know who I am. It would be obvious. But, as long as I keep names (including my own) out of it, there is no legal issue for me.

So that said, I love in Colorado. I am 45. Never married. Never dated. Yikes! Scary stuff - lots of issues from childhood abuse. Grew up in church. Walked away when I was 16. stayed away for 20 years. Got involved with a church that is seriously messed up. Walked away from IC 19 1/2 months ago. Have learned a lot about what is Truth and what is dogma. Asked Papa for freedom. He is giving it.

I like a broad range of music. I'm a musician/writer currently working for AT&T. 10 1/2 hours today. Sigh. But at least it's not boring. Not what I want to do for the rest of my life, though. I enjoy reading - sci-fi, fantasy, mystery... I enjoy watching movies.

I have been known to have a potty mouth, too. Tyler has reprimanded me, too. ;-)

Visit Katherine at A Voice in the Desert


Hi, I'm Ché.

I am 39 years, mother (& father) of my 3 children, divorced for almost 6 years now. I am a Starbucks least for now. I love anything to do with design..and actually consider it huge fun to renovate. I left the IC about 4.5 years ago, and homechurch 3 months ago. I've come to the realization that I love God, love lotsa people...and hate almost anything to do with christianity.

I love to read...mostly sci-fi/fantasy with some mysteries thrown in for good measure.
I struggle with having enough energy to make it through each day...and wonder a lot if my future is anything to look forward to.

I want to sound upbeat..but too tired to do that, so.....

Che can be found blogging at Chronicles of Che


I'm Erin. I'm 37 and live in Portland, Oregon with my husband of 17 years and my two boys, 12 and well as two cats and a dog.

I have been out of the IC almost 4 years, my family has been out 3.5 years. My faith is stronger and healthier than ever, and my beliefs have changed dramatically in that time.

Umm...I love movies, especially anything off the mainstream, Sundance or Cannes winners for instance. I love music, mostly rock from 60's to present-day. I love chocolate in any form as long as it's not TOO dark. I'm a type II diabetic (along with my dad and my sister...anyone who tells you it's NOT hereditary is lying) which is a daily challenge and keeps me on my toes. Mostly I'm a lover not a fighter and my family and friends are the world to me...even my online friends.

Oh and according to Tyler I'm a potty mouth. ;-)

Visit Erin at Decompressing Faith

Tyler Dawn

My name is Tyler, but I go by Tyler Dawn because when I started doing to forum thing people would assume I was a guy. I am 39 years old, married to Mark and we have twin 7 1/2 year old sons, Matt and Andy, who we adopted at birth. Andy is special needs, with spina bifida, hydrocephalus, chiari malformation, and clubbed feet. Right now we have started bowel training, AGAIN! Trying to get him out of diapers.

We have been out of the IC for over four years now, and out of home church for 3 1/2 years.

Visit Tyler at Following Him Alone


My name is Nicole, I am 24 and live in Colorado. I have a husband, Jonathan, and two dogs, Mocha and Brewster. No children. We live in a small little studio apartment that I love and learning how to live more simply. I love simple things in life, coffee, autumn colors, music, and art. I love people; family, friends and acquaintances. I love my Father and his plan for my life, even though it is unraveling each day I live and I never seem to know where I am headed. I love to experience new things in my journey and thrive on understanding and knowing Father more. I don't attend an IC and have grown more in my relationship with God outside the walls then when I was in! Each day brings new experiences and spontaneity just living day to day with Father.

That's as brief as I can make it!

Thanks for reading! :)

In Freedom, Nicole!

Nicole is blogging at A Journey Worth Taking


Ok so we are suddenly faced with a significant decision that we entirely don't trust ourselves on. It's one of those things where there is a clearly logical option but we know God isn't always logical. We want to do the right thing.

I haven't asked this kind of thing for almost 4 years now, but this is really important. I'm not going to tell you the topic right now...but if any of you would like to pray about it and see if you hear/see any thoughts from the Lord for us, that would be helpful to serve as confirmation. If this isn't your cup of tea, no worries.

You can post any thoughts you have here or e-mail me erinword at gmail dot com

Thanks all.


I work mostly nights and I spend probably way too much time in the blogosphere searching and seeking the opinions and beliefs of others. You know what? That’s part of my journey too! I belong to a traditional church but I do not think traditionally. I am a missional thinker and it’s part of my call to try and shake up the status quo by thinking outside of the box. That box I speak of is the one with four walls that we call "the church". I am a “middle aged” guy who finds that he is getting more liberal as he grows older. I think that it’s supposed to work the other way around but hell, I’ve never been a conformist anyway. I have found that acceptance is a whole bunch less stressful on me.

I like to write articles and read books. I love teaching Sunday School Classes. I do most of my own home improvement projects and I love tinkering around the garage. I love doing Bible study and then trying to figure out what unique way that the scriptures might be speaking to me. I have been known to re-write them (language only) into what has been lovingly referred to as a Mikeism. I love to Blog. As I said above, it’s just possible that my addiction level has reached the 80 percentile. (UPDATE: As of January 8, 2008, it's at 81 percent).

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

When I blog I am attempting to vocalize (per se) my journey in this life, my journey with Christ and the many different locations and places, both literal and figurative, that journey takes me. I want to share the many different ways, albeit twisted, in which I find meaning and expression in the scriptures. After all these years, I am still a seeker. When I look at my journey from that respect, I’m cool with that.

....and as for being a night owl

toaster.jpg"Harvard researchers working at Brigham and Women's Hospital have found that whether someone is a morning person or an evening person depends on a basic aspect of the circadian timing system that is known as instrinsic period." Click here for the entire article

"Most people believe that night owl behavior is the result of a personality trait. You must be lazy or irresponsible or undisciplined. This is a misconception. Night owls may, in fact, demonstrate the traits noted but these are not the reasons for their night owl schedule preference. Night owls are night owls because they are born that way. They are behaving the way that their bodies were programmed to behave." Click here for the entire article.

So there you have it. You can say that I have nyctophilia or Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome or anything else you want. The proof is in the pudding though. I'm a Night Owl and God made me that way. So lay down, nestle your head in your comfortable down pillow and saw logs in peace. For I am here at my laptop, vigilantly standing guard over cyberspace; free to roam the mounds of bandwidth that are freed up while the early birds sleep. It is a duty that I do not take lightly and one that I won't fail.

Besides...infomercials suck big time!!

Mike can be found blogging at Simply A Night Owl