Monday, November 16, 2009

Peace for Jon

Many here know Jon, who started this site. He had embarked on a new journey of a tough new job. He recently is struggling with some things that has his spirits very low. If you could say a prayer of support for him, it would be greatly appreciated. It is one of the things that we felt a loss of when our father died. Every day he prayed for each and everyone of us, his children. That love and devotion of Him is missed sadly, but it was felt. Only as a loss when it was gone, for it was always there when he was alive. But Jon would greatly appreciate the prayers. Thanks.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Heading Back into Community

Hey everybody,

I am thinking seriously about heading back into some sort of Christian community and oh, boy, it doth open up all sorts of worm cans :) It scares me so much!!

The man I was talking to regarding this was very understanding and it's been quite heartwarming. The plan was to go and meet up with these people in their regular Wednesday night meal they all share together. Woke up on Wednesday with 148 different kinds of fears running round my head. It felt almost sort of demonic, actually. Creepy, you know?

And I thought, "Wow, boy, okay. These fears are pretty strong and so I need to unpack them a little," rather than just wanting to breeze into something. I have this tendency to just shove down my disquiet sometimes and it's not to be borne, I'm afraid. The part of me that rocks is too enamoured with reality and groundedness for me to just go into something without dealing with these fears and talking to Papa about them.

So it's been an interesting few days for me. I have really reasserted to myself that I am in fact some sort of a contemplative (which is really no surprise) and that what I am scared of is that going into some sort of community I will feel coerced by the pace and doingness of the other people in the group. That I will find myself doing things that I don't actually want to do simply because everyone else is doing them and that they are good things, you know?

It's so scary, feeling this fear (often quite subconscious) that to be a part of a group you somehow have to lop off parts of yourself and do things differently than the rhythm of your life says (and the Spirit breath says). It has been all kinds of interesting to begin to separate the strands of what it means for me to be myself within community, with the desire to be part of something bigger than myself and to be in a space of loving and being loved. Combine that with those "deny yourself" phrases that Jesus spoke and it's no wonder that so many of us have struggled with maintaining ourselves within communities. We thought that Jesus' words were all about lopping off parts of yourself to fit in, but these days I tend to think that he was referring to those big ego parts of ourselves, the parts that wish to be powerful, to lord it over others, to be right, to be superior, to be always utterly in control.

And so yes, I'm happy to deny myself in those ways. Well, happy to an extent (my ego hates and fears it). But alongside it I'm also terrified. Because giving up control sometimes feels very much like opening yourself up to be abused, and I've had enough of that in my life that sometimes I still get the two mixed up - maybe not so much in my mind, but stll sometimes in my heart. Enough to send me into near panic at the thought of getting involved in community, something which I pant for on the other hand.

Ahhh, paradoxes :)

(And BTW this group is particularly understand of all of these sorts of thoughts. They do not pressure people to get involved beyond what they wish. It actually seems ultra fluid and about relationships rather than pandering to some created structure. It's all exciting ... but still totally scary too).