Hey everybody,
I am thinking seriously about heading back into some sort of Christian community and oh, boy, it doth open up all sorts of worm cans :) It scares me so much!!
The man I was talking to regarding this was very understanding and it's been quite heartwarming. The plan was to go and meet up with these people in their regular Wednesday night meal they all share together. Woke up on Wednesday with 148 different kinds of fears running round my head. It felt almost sort of demonic, actually. Creepy, you know?
And I thought, "Wow, boy, okay. These fears are pretty strong and so I need to unpack them a little," rather than just wanting to breeze into something. I have this tendency to just shove down my disquiet sometimes and it's not to be borne, I'm afraid. The part of me that rocks is too enamoured with reality and groundedness for me to just go into something without dealing with these fears and talking to Papa about them.
So it's been an interesting few days for me. I have really reasserted to myself that I am in fact some sort of a contemplative (which is really no surprise) and that what I am scared of is that going into some sort of community I will feel coerced by the pace and doingness of the other people in the group. That I will find myself doing things that I don't actually want to do simply because everyone else is doing them and that they are good things, you know?
It's so scary, feeling this fear (often quite subconscious) that to be a part of a group you somehow have to lop off parts of yourself and do things differently than the rhythm of your life says (and the Spirit breath says). It has been all kinds of interesting to begin to separate the strands of what it means for me to be myself within community, with the desire to be part of something bigger than myself and to be in a space of loving and being loved. Combine that with those "deny yourself" phrases that Jesus spoke and it's no wonder that so many of us have struggled with maintaining ourselves within communities. We thought that Jesus' words were all about lopping off parts of yourself to fit in, but these days I tend to think that he was referring to those big ego parts of ourselves, the parts that wish to be powerful, to lord it over others, to be right, to be superior, to be always utterly in control.
And so yes, I'm happy to deny myself in those ways. Well, happy to an extent (my ego hates and fears it). But alongside it I'm also terrified. Because giving up control sometimes feels very much like opening yourself up to be abused, and I've had enough of that in my life that sometimes I still get the two mixed up - maybe not so much in my mind, but stll sometimes in my heart. Enough to send me into near panic at the thought of getting involved in community, something which I pant for on the other hand.
Ahhh, paradoxes :)
(And BTW this group is particularly understand of all of these sorts of thoughts. They do not pressure people to get involved beyond what they wish. It actually seems ultra fluid and about relationships rather than pandering to some created structure. It's all exciting ... but still totally scary too).
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17 comments:
Sue, thank you for posting this here, and for sharing this part of your journey with us. So much of what you said resonates with me. I'm *in* community - oh, boy, am i in it! - but i too am more of the contemplative sort, and the crazyness of the church schedule wears on me sometimes. And sometimes I really do just want to stay home from the good things I could be doing, just to be home, alone, quiet. with Him. maybe not talking much. :)
so from the other side of it - i understand your fears! :) lol.
but there is so much wisdom in what you said about how we can feel like being a part of this "group" means that we have to lop off parts of what makes us who we are to fit in, and that we've spiritualized that, and likely in error. i think you're right - that denying ourselves was never intended to mean "be someone you aren't" but, like you said, means denying our self-centeredness and felt needs to be right, etc.
it is a paradox, this being an individual person, uniquely wired and shaped by God for a particular destiny - and woven into the whole of the tapestry He is creating with our lives. i love it that a few threads of that picture wind through this kitchen from time to time.
i could write a whole post about how your words tonight spoke to my soul and reminded me that i am not alone in how i feel sometimes - and that as crazy and confusing and scary and hard as being part of community can be sometimes, it is still something to long for and that i am, really, blessed to have it, in all its imperfect complexities. the details would take a while to explain. but God used you tonight, in your contemplative writing, to speak to me about my situation - and so I thank you, for being who you are and living into it here in the blogosphere.
blessings to you -- and keep us posted. (like, are you going back next Wednesday?) :) it sounds like a really great group of people. Jesus knows a few of those, and i love how He introduces us every now and then. ;)
Yes keep us posted, sounds exciting.
I wish you beautiful luck with that. May it be a safe place for you to re-enter community.
Maybe your experiences will begin to counter the cynic in me -- cynical for myself every finding a place to fit.
Happy - wow!! LOL :) I am glad this spoke to you. It always amazes me howour lives and our words and our everyday just being more of ourselves speaks into other people, and we don't even realise it. It's a beautiful thang!!
I think it is wisdom to be in a community and know how much space and solitude you need. I think this is why so many of us have been burnt. I do not want to get involved and get busy again - it is not where things lie for me. I think "less is more" is totally and utterly the case for Christians. Look what happens when people get on the mousewheel and how moronic they become. Seems so fear-based to me, you know?? Wnating to fix the entire world etc etc
Feel free to write about your experiences as much as you would like. I know I would love to hear about them, if you choose to share.
Community is a blessing. Being outside of it, I can so totally see how we are made for it. I also know that these experiences out here in solitude and this space is something that I have fallen in love with. I hear my Father here the way I don't quite in a group. And yet I hear the Father in a group in a way I cannot simply by myself.
Susan - I shall keep you posted :)
Erin - Well, you know I share your cynicism. It is all mixed in with the hope. I do think that being wary and refusing to enter into any old thing is a wonderful space to be. You are learning more and more what is poisonous to your soul, and that can only be a good thing. But oh, yeah, I hope you find it too.
Sue, I think it is a good thing that you are doing. Often times the desire for community comes from the holy spirit's urging. But the fear of losing the identity that you have found is a real one. To me it is much like having a succellful business career. The more you throw yourself into the business, the less of your life is left. Less time with family, less time for one's self, less time for rest and sleep. But, in the church sense, nothng will threaten your security for family if you do not completely follow the line. In businees, you get fired, and the money that gives you the security id gone, along with insurances and other benefits. But in church, you can choose what to, and not do. within that framework, you are in control of the experience you have. Do not give more than you are willing, and know that human apporval is still as nothing compared to God's approval of what you have become. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.
Awww, thanks Nate! You are so right - it is in my control how much I give, and this group is quite emphatic in stating that no one is expected to give anything more than what they want to.
Thank you for the prayers.
Hiya Sue.
I wish you the best of luck with this new experience. I sometimes long for the community that I one had with those I went to "church" but the reality is that those who I thought I was close with appeared to abandon me when my life went to shit last year. I think that it'll take some serious healing before I try it again.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to use your post to vent out my feelings. I am praying for you.
Hey Mike,
Not at all - vent away. I'm sorry they treated you that way. Christians, it turns out, are the suckiest people on the planet. Pretty ironic, huh.
As it stands, it feels right now for me like heading back into community is as far away a mirage as it's ever been. But who knows.
And yeah, I figure that a good place to look for a community is one that will accept me now my life already *HAS* gone to the shit. If they accept me now when I'm depressed and alienated then I guess they'll accept me when life turns around and I get all shiny and have *my own ministry*.
/cynicism
to Mike:
Those peeps that let you down were not for real man or they would have helped you through.
Good luck Sue ... just remember not everyone you meet will be real Christians .. you will know them by their fruits.
This 'may' help you
Unfortunately, church buildings are not filled with the true bride and I think they are specifically designed to be there to chase off as many as they can.
The leadership in any church gathering needs to be real and then these people don't get strong and wreck the place. It's a delicate balance, I guess.
I've been in both types of settings. Leadership means everything in a church ... I hope you have found a real pastor. They are out there ... just seem harder to find these days. I wish they would advertise.
I have given up looking and maybe we should start again. sigh
Was taking my son to a healing night put on by one of the churches here in town on Thursday evenings. Nothing has happened as far as healing. We went about 6 times and then my work schedule got in the way. Got a call about 6 months after our last visit asking if my son was better. I said No. The lady on the other end of the phone told me in a frustrated and chastising tone that I had better get him back there ... This is what I heard in her tone, "what's wrong with you don't you want your son to be healed?"
Weird ... and very hilarious :-)
I long for community again as well. My life did not take a turn for the better when I met Christ.
I mean, I did, as far as my attitude and ability to love went, but a lot of close things to me took a turn for the worst. There have been many blessings, don't get me wrong, but my life and all its parts have not looked like the typically blessed life North Americans think a life should look like nor a life that others would consider really blessed by the Lord even.
I have had a "pastor" tell me that my son is demon possessed but he really didn't want or know how to cast out the demons.
Sort of makes me want to protect him from such people and their judgment.
LOL Wow you were right you did open a can of worms LOL ;-)
But seriously I do really hope you have been successful.
Hey Val. Nah, I don't think I am going to go back to a church building. It has actually just started seeming to me recently that the buildings serve their purpose - in terms of the fringe dwellers connected by certain degrees. I think the further out you get the more life there is. Maybe the fringe dwellers will help bring life. But no, no church building for moi.
I'm actually feeling all despondent again about being able to find anywhere I fit. It seems so hard! Why is it so hard???????
PS Val: I think what you said about your life getting worse since you met Christ is true. I think that it makes sense in a way, you know, that things would get worse. I think everything out *there* and lots in *here* tells us to be all shiny but man, that is exactly what I am NOT looking for. Do I want to get involved with people who will make you feel shit because you're not jumping through their hoops and your son is behaving unshiny? No thanks. And I'm sorry that you have had that sort of experience :(
Darn .. I don't want to be a wet rag ... but reality here has left us that way.
Sorry Sue
Didn't mean to discourage.
Nah, honey. Not discouraged at all. Please, I would rather any day that someone be real rather than put on the bright shinies for fear of discouraging.
No, it's not you discouraging, it's me. I'm so scared, it's like every fear is coming out and biting me on the bum. Weirdness. A time I can't quite describe. I think God is in here somewhere, moving about some furniture. I wish he would stop doing that. And yet I always ask him to do that. :)
Just to clarify, the place I was thinking of dipping my toe into is not in a church building. Although they do do things that are associated with a church building in the local area, but they are not the congregation of that church building. But we will see. I'm not even sure if I will be able to go there, but we will see :)
Sue, if you ever need a friendly face to go with you, let me know :-)
Aww, thanks, sweetness.
Looking forward to catching up with you and Lou sometime over these school hols.
Who am I kidding? I don't even WANT to go back to that. Ever. I just want to make a difference in people's lives and I don't need a church for that. For whatever reason God created me averse to the institution...so I GO out into the world.
End rant. Sorry.
No need to apologise for not wanting to go be squashed, honey bunny. I'm so ultra selective, I wouldn't be possibly maybe possibly thinking about trying out these people if I didn't think there was a fair wad of cynical, fucked up units involved with it, excuse my French :) Give me losers any day than people who don't realise they're losers :)
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