Hi guys.
I am not really asking for anything, as I don't feel that anything other than a soul purging would help. I am here to say that I'm just so tired and frustrated and disappointed and ... broken. I have no more energy to fight. I have lost all "give a shit"s. I just want to pack my shit, hop in my car and drive ten states away. No I can't do that, nor will I. I guess I'm just sitting here at the counter, eating a cookie, and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for having a place that I can do that.
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A safe place to have a cookie, get a hug, and cry if you need to.
Welcome to the Breakfast Nook
I rather think that the kitchen of an innkeeper wrongfully accused by history of being a harlot would be a safe place to lay down my burdens and sorrows. I believe she would have a willing and patient ear, a compassionately forgiving heart, a nonjudgemental spirit, and the grace that can only come from enduring thousands of years of slander. I also think that, if I would like to talk to anyone about Jesus, it would be this grandma more than any other person in history.
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29 comments:
PS I threw up more melodrama at my site if anyone wants to pop over and get a glimpse.
girl, it's all good. would you like some milk to dunk your cookie in? i know that helps ME feel better.
at any rate, i definitely have days like that. i think i had at least 1 1/2 of them this week alone. being willing to share your downs lets me know, at the very least, i'm not alone in this.
so thanks for that.
we love you, michelle!
Hey there sis! If you don't mind, I'm going to pour myself a cup of coffee and just be with you. Is that ok?
Mike - As long as my wine doesn't interfere with your coffee, then I welcome you to sit and join me.
I'm gonna drink some more and watch Hope Floats. If that won't break your heart, I don't know what will! Stupid girl melodrama. ... I know.
That's me tonight.
You can pour some wine in my cup and I'll have it instead and as far as watching Hope Floats, I'm so there with you. I haven't seen it yet and I'm surprised because I will watch anything with Sandra Bullock in it.")
You must run out immediately and rent it. If you like a mixture of Sandra and angst -- this is your kind of movie! It's over now... the crying is done.. now I just wish I hadn't ingested half of a LARGE bottle of red wine. It's gonna be a hard waking up in the morning.
OOOH now we know who Mike's celebrity crush is! I love Hope Floats, because I happen to like Harry Connick Jr. Can I join you guys?
He, guys, do mind if I just sit here in the corner and be? Feeling the same way, I guess. Haven't seen that movie yet, either...
One voice, if you do pack your shit and start driving, come see me!
I'd join in, but I'm guessing that by now the large amounts of red wine have done their job and you're fast asleep. Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Heather
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
For this is what the high and lofty One says— he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite."
and David
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart,O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 34:18
Isaiah 57:15
Psalm 51:16
I hope these are helpful and although I don't handle alcohol well I will have a sip with you anytime. ;-)
Well, I am here for hugs and I think I have enough energy to walk down into the wine cellar if you need anothe bottle.
I know how hard it is to be tired. I am so sorry. It hurts and it is so demoralizing.
Maybe a little late...but that's the story of my life.
A glass of wine would be great...a movie too.
Too tired to talk? I know I am.
Just want to BE for a while....
Do you get impatient with the melodrama within yourself sometimes? I know I do. Yet if I don't sometimes just say WHATEVER, it sits inside and swirls..never letting me rest.
Here's to getting to know the visitors in this kitchen....
Hi all. I know I have broken moments from time to time and honestly feel quite lost in what I should do with myself.
Wine sounds amazing and a movie 2. I have a lot on my mind, probably too much and need a break from it all...
Thanks all - I appreciate the company. I would like to just BE also. Talking doesn't get me anywhere these days anyway.
Still checking in and feeling encouraged... thank again.
Michelle
I believe that it is okay to feel sad, frustrated etc. We can't be happy all the time. I found that in our Xchurch.. happiness 24/7 was indoctrinated in us. It's okay! Look at Job and many other people in the bible.. were they always happy? Did they ever feel sorry for themselves? You betcha! I believe that sadness is part of healing. We were given emotions for a reason.
Brokeness is a good place to be! Rejoice when you feel sad.. I know that sounds ironic but its true. I think its in the first chapter of james.. so I just want to encourage you and say.. its okay to feel sad or broken! Infact brokeness is sometimes better than elatedness... Think about those who are so 'together all the time' how together are they really? Those with all the money and all their dreams and their happiness is meaningless.
Okay let me stop while I'm ahead coz I can get too deep :)
I have often felt like you do. I also wanted to run away knowing I couldnt really on may occassions. Once when rabbiting on about such a time on my blog a dear friend posted a commented that said that God was right there with me thats all she said and thats all I needed to here. He is simply there no pressure no expectations. Hope that helps you as it continues to help me
Thank you all again for saddling up beside me at the counter with my cookie and big fat glass of red wine.
I mentioned before that I work from home and I home school three different grade levels with the children.....
I'm making steps toward finding myself again and one of the biggest and most difficult decision has been regarding the education process for the children.
I've started the process to enroll them in school and their first day will either be this Thursday or next Wednesday (fall break is from Friday to Tuesday in this area). How freakin' fast is that?! Come to find out this is the best time, other than the beginning of the year, to put them in because the first 9 week grading period has just ended. Plus my 3rd grader has to pass a test at the end of the year to advance forward and if I waited until after Christmas break (my initial idea) it would have short changed him a lot of time to prepare for the test.
I know to most this isn't a big deal but it's a huge paradigm shift to go from home school ideals to public school ideals. HUGE. Plus, most parents let go of their children one at a time as their age is appropriate. I'm sending all of mine to school in the same damn week. Nothing like doing things the most difficult way possible.
Still, I feel a weight lifting in that area and I do hope it's going to be good. Jon, you can even pray that it'll be good ;-)
Any words of wisdom towards adjustment hints or "atta boys" are very welcome at this point. As stated many times, many ways, I'm an anxious wreck most days and would really appreciate encouragement!
Michelle
Oh honey, I understand the homeschooling bit. I have a special needs child and from the moment we found out, I was determined to homeschool because I was terrified to send him to public school. And it was a terrible experience!!! Trying to homeschool preschool with them was a nightmare, but I was too scared to trust God to take care of them. One day He told me to put them in Kindergarten for the upcoming year and there was major weeping and gnashing of teeth, let me tell ya!
But God was right, and they are fine, and it has been good for them and for me. Moms need down time or everyone suffers. It's going to be okay sweetie!!!! You are doing just fine.
Promise me you will try to take a nap on their first day and not just scour the house? (that's what I ended up doing, lol)
I'm thankful that for these years that I have been doing home school it's actually been working. Our statement was that we'd continue until it just didn't work anymore. Their grades are good - all A's actually - but it's just time to branch out AND, most of all, it's time for me to not carry every single aspect of their lives by myself.
My oldest child has ADhD but is fine as long as he's on his morning medication. That was the initial reason we wanted to go the home school option anyway. I've been at this since he started kindergarten and he's in 3rd grade now. The other two have fallen in with him, of course, as their ages became "school age".
But.. all of that to say.. I'm glad that at least it's not been tears and failing grades to where I'd heap more guilt on myself for feeling like a total flippin' failure at this stuff. "So I got that going for me" (thanks Caddy Shack).
Oh Michelle, I hope this is going to be a good decision for you. When we switched from private christian school to public, we smashed our heads and said "What were we afraid of all these years?" because our experiences in the public schools have been totally wonderful. Especially at the elementary school age.
So what brought this on?
Erin -
I hope so too.. desperately.
What brought this on? My continual feeling of drowning I suppose.
But not completely. The kids have been doing fine but I realize that they just are growing older and need some room to grow and learn from other kids their age (good and bad lessons I'm afraid). We'll see how it goes. We're not fully enrolled just yet but tomorrow gets us closer with Dr visits and records gathering.
My biggest piece of advice to you, Michelle: Get involved...I volunteer just like 2 hours once a week, and getting to know the staff and be an involved parent, and getting to know who my kids friends are makes a world of difference. I know yours will be in 3 different classes, so maybe just do one hour per week in each or trade weeks...but just so you can get to know who they spend their days with.
Yes, erin is absolutely right. I volunteer every wednesday morning and it absolutely helps. The teachers bend over backward for my kids because I bend over backward for them. They really do appreciate it.
Today was the first day.
My daughter, first grade, was fine. I'm pretty sure she's already forgotten I exist. My son, third grader, was blinking hard to fight back the tears. He's my anxiety/ADhD kid so he's going to have a more difficult time adjusting. I just hope I haven't made a horrible decision.
I did email both teachers to let them know that I am more than happy to volunteer in the classrooms some. I don't want to get too up in there because part of this need is for me to have some breathing room for the first time since having babies 8 years ago. So - maybe once a month for each class - two days a month. That wouldn't be horrible would it? Not considering I'm still working from home, trying to figure out what the crap I want in life for ME, and have a (soon to be) 5 yr old at home still.
Oh gracious -- being a grown up isn't fun sometimes. Thank you all for helping me while I sit here at the counter. How many cookies have I eaten anyway? Anyone keeping count?
I think your kids will have fun at school, Michelle. I hope you are able to get some space. What about getting your 4 year old into a preschool a couple mornings a week, so you have some time entirely to yourself?
Anyhow, as far as volunteering, it's been my experience that teachers appreciate it no matter how much (or little) you can do. But sometimes they might be so desperate for help that they will try to talk you into more help than you can give. So just be clear about what you can offer.
Going on field trips is another great way to get involved, even if it's only once in awhile.
Joel (4 yr old) will start pre-k next week. The program that we used for the first two is a three morning a week spot so when it opens next week he'll start there. It's Mon, Tues and Wed mornings - out by 11:30. But that'll still be a nice few hours in which I can get work done and not feel like I have to snatch time here and there to get it done.
Oh!! Michelle, I'm going to look for you online.
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