Barbara

Hey I am Barbara and I am older than dirt compared to all of you! I am closer to 50 than 40 and that's all I'm saying about that.

I am a single mom (never married) to an almost 17 year old man-child. He's the love of my life and the cause of my deepest concerns.

I was raised in a Catholic church but left at age 13 to "seek spiritual truth" and spent years in the New Age movement and learning about Eastern Religions. I did NOT want to be a Christian because the ones i knew were so mean. But, at age 29 I was scared enough by the threat of hell being real that I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and joined the ultimate in conservative fundie churches. Not only that but I started working for the biggest International Ministry around and have been here since my son was in diapers.

I was hurt by several things that happened to me in various churches over the years (including being ostracized for getting pregnant out of "wedlock" what a great word for marriage, eh?) BUT in spite of being hurt I never blamed the church, only myself for being such a lowlife worm. I felt I deserved all the harsh treatment I got because I sinned.

Then a few years ago I fell in love with a man who was not a Christian and actually gave up the relationship. That was the beginning of the end. I realized that I had given so much of my life for something that I brought me mostly shame, guilt and sadness.

Sure, I had good moments too. But when I was honest with myself I had to admit that I was faking the Christian life. It was something I DID because I was expected to, not because it was who I was. So I quit going to church (no one missed me even though I'd been at that one for 8 years) and stopped reading the Bible and started over from scratch.

Now I go back and forth on a daily basis of what I believe and what I don't. I love most of my Christian friends (online) and wish I had their faith, I miss it. But in honesty, none of it makes sense to me. I still pray but I'm not sure why. I still believe - sort of. I am really just a mess :) but am coming to terms that "not knowing what I believe" is okay for now.

I thank you for allowing me to be part of your site here.

Visit Barbara at Prodigal Daughter