Hi all,
I want so much to blog on my site and clear my head but the words just won't flow. This is a place of general conversation and obvious love and acceptance so I've landed here simply to say that my life is massively messed up right now. More-so than it has been in a long time. I can't blame the church. I can't blame my husband. I can't even blame myself. It's just simply messed up. Erin has been holding my hand for a couple of weeks now and I'm so thankful for her but I miss communicating with many of you also. I don't want anyone to think that I've stopped coming by and reading and checking in on you. I'm still here. It's just that many days I don't have anything to say that would require me to reach out of my own thoughts and feelings at the moment. I suppose that's selfish or at least lazy but I'm too overwhelmed to speak. I've made changes in my life that have kept me from literally having a nervous breakdown -- kids going to school as opposed to continuing to home school is a big part of that. Yet my marriage... oh my marriage... it goes from bad to worse to ok to even worse still in about 30 minute intervals. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. At the moment, I'm hopeless. I've been a friend. I've been objective. But after six weeks of constantly listening to him talk through his own junk - stuff that is painful for me to hear of course -- I am overwhelmed by it all, exhausted beyond words and simply crushed.
Maybe things will improve. Maybe not. What's important for me is that I get some peace in my life and soon. I don't even care what the end result of it is -- what it looks like in the end, I mean; together, separated ... what matters most is that something ends either way.
I'm drinking way too much. I've picked back up the cigarettes. I've stopped working out which I've been avid to do around 6 or 6:30 am every morning (cold, rain or shine) for a year now. I'm losing ground mentally and physically with myself all over this tide that keeps washing me out to sea. I realize that pain brings with it the benefit of depth of character and life but the process is oh so painful.
I'm rambling but I needed to. I can't post on my blog because it's seen by locals as well as I just don't 'ramble' there. I try to get things actually coherent. I came here just to spew I suppose.
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A safe place to have a cookie, get a hug, and cry if you need to.
Welcome to the Breakfast Nook
I rather think that the kitchen of an innkeeper wrongfully accused by history of being a harlot would be a safe place to lay down my burdens and sorrows. I believe she would have a willing and patient ear, a compassionately forgiving heart, a nonjudgemental spirit, and the grace that can only come from enduring thousands of years of slander. I also think that, if I would like to talk to anyone about Jesus, it would be this grandma more than any other person in history.
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15 comments:
Spew away ... You are loved your husband and children are loved . Sounds like some fun in your life might be good ... whatever we will pray together that you find solid ground.
Hang on tight to love. He will never forsake you.
Lord God bring joy to this household of wonderful people.
Give them a break from the pain of this world.
Thank you Lord
That's why we're here so like Valorosa said, "spew away". I am praying for you and for your husband and children as well. May you all find some peace in the middle of this storm called life.
Michelle, hon. I'm just sorry things are such a mess. But I'm sure you tire of me saying that. With all it's love and wonders, the limitations of online community is that we can't be there in any tangible way. Please know I would be if I could.
Wow! Michelle.... that's really big stuff going on. You need someone to go the mile with you and your husband. Someone wise and trustworthy who can help you get to the heart of the matter. This is bigger than the both of you. Do you have someone like that?
...praying for you sister.
I don't know what to say but I can say, ease up on yourself.. You are condemning yourself big time..DONT! I smoke about 20 cigarettes a day and it does drive me crazy that it still has a hold over me but you know what, your heart is the one thing that matters and you sound like you love your husband and your kids. Love covers a multitide of sins.. seriously ease up on yourself coz the more you focus on your weaknesses the more you will be depressed. God is strong though our weaknesses.
Just focus on what you are doing well at, focus on what's going right in your life.. Thinking and praying for you!
Thanks everyone... especially the advice for me to ease up on myself. You're right - the more I focus on the ground that I feel I'm losing, the more depressed I become.
Isn't it funny how we beat ourselves up at the very times when we desperately need to cut ourselves some slack? It's so weird. But I guess that's what you get living in a "be perfect always" culture.
That's so much to deal with, Michelle! Wow. Yeah, it's good to spew away, get it out of your system. We'll listen as often as you need to do it :)
I agree, I can't believe how unbeliavably painful the process is. I have taken to swearing at God in the midst of my fieriest times, which I'm not very proud of, and it's not really recommendable but gee, you know, turn the temperature down!!
Wow...Oh Michelle, I haven't picked up my Bible in ages, but as I read this, I could not control the tears, and the scripture that came to mind over and over was SOS - I am dark, but lovely. And yes...you, me the whole lot of us, we are dark, but we are still lovely to Him. I have not been able to hold onto anything God related but that...I can also share with you a time when my husband and I were about to seperate...we did not have kids yet, but he wasn't working, just was depressed and sunken into himself, I was making about 13K per year...and I would come home for lunch and find him asleep on the couch having smoked all of MY cigarretes...there was a lot more to it, but I will spare you the details...and I have no idea why, but I finally told him that he was going to have to find us a Christian counselor (we were not christians) and he was going to have to find a way to pay for it or I was going to leave. He did...and I can honestly say that the counseling was pretty shitty, but because we were actually both working on it together meant a great deal. I do agree with Ruth that it sounds like maybe this is really bigger than you and your man can figure out, and I am not sure I would do the christian counseling thing, but if you do have someone objective to sort of root through some things it may help. What do I know? I just know my heart hurts for you, and for some reason, I can feel how beautiful you are to your Beloved right now even in the midst of your darkest hour...I hope you can feel it too.
Sanctuary. I know it sounds weird. But it is one of those things that I think is necessary for everyone. Peace and time. The only actual help that I can offer is this. I have had trouble with alcohol in the past. It may help at the time, but makes things worse in the long run. A LOT worse. A max of two a day to help relax, OK. Waking up hung over, no bueno.
But I love and care about where you are, and will pray that things get worked out.
Words from me seem empty in the face of what you are going through so I am simply going to pray
I pray that you will find peace in the turmoil.
Lord wrap Michelle in your arms and bring peace to her soul Let her know that she is loved and that you are with her even when it is to dark to see
Dearest Lord Jesus -
You are the Light of the world - and I pray that You would shine Your light into the darkness that Michelle is wrestling with on so many levels. I pray that You would speak Your truth and Your life into her situation as only You can, and that she would find HOPE this day. Jesus, HELP. Help, God...
Amen.
Romans 15:13, Michelle. I am praying for you.
love,
Happy
disclaimer:
If anyone reads my latest blog please understand that I'm not saying smoking is a good choice- it was merely my way of working out where I am with it at this moment.
Hey don't worry about smoking from me. I love to smoke.
Oh my goodness Michelle, I am so sorry! I have been gone too, you know, sometimes you just have to and it isn't being lazy! You don't owe us your presence, you owe yourself some sanity, okay?
I hope that you can get yourself working out (because it does have beneficial effects on our endorphin levels) but as for the rest, honey, just hang on while the dtorm is raging, sometimes that is all we can do.
I am praying for you and your family, that you will just have the strength to hold on and breathe and let Abba do the hard work.
Hugs to you, sweetie.
its weird, really. as far as the smoking goes, i have gone back and forth as well, but it always seems to bring the most peculiar situations and circumstances into my life. so i just let it be for now. god's not bugging me about it. in fact he uses it for me to have moments in which to show generosity to strangers, or share simple moments with them out on my patio late at night, right when they need it.
as to the rest, all i can say in this quick generic moment is "hang in there." as laughably trite as it sounds, my wife and i have said to each other for years that "the only couples who stay married are the ones who don't get divorced."
this doesn't make anything better or easier, but it does mean you are still together. marriage is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. much harder than being a parent (so far). i really feel for you and especially for the season you are going through. they are never fun. wait, that doesn't cover it. they are excruciating. they are soul-numbing and tear-blinding. but if you are both still willing to talk about things and communicate and work on it, then there is hope. your marriage is just that, YOUR marriage. it doesn't have to "look like" anything to anyone else. it just needs to work for you and your husband.
praying for you.
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