I got an sms for the xpastor's wife.. after roughly 4 months.. it took 4 months.. but now I am stumped.. do I reply or do I leave it.. it was a basic sms "hi, thinking of you today, hope all well and have a lovely week."
should I just say,"well I am doing excellent thanks for asking, keep well too." or should i say,"well, no one except you has contacted me after 4 months apart from seeing your true colours I am glad to have left your church." nnaaa that's a bit too nastry and too truthful..?
Some advice pllleeease :(
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What do you want to do? How did you feel when you got it?
I felt a bit panicked and angry..
like I could feel the falseness.. or maybe that's just in my mind?
No, the falseness is probably not in your mind. IF she was false before, why would she not still be? I think if there had been a real change, she would have called...
speaking as a pastor's wife--though, I hope a truer one--I'd recommend truth, though not too much . . . "It's been a difficult time, but God is with me," or "I'm glad to be moving into a new season of my life." It'll do you good to speak truth and her good to hear it . . . if it doesn't get too loaded down with bitterness and anger
i agree with sara. and i also like to give the benefit of the doubt. because sometimes we don't allow others to win. if she had contacted you earlier, would you now be questioning her for being too pushy and not giving you space? perhaps you could try viewing it from the angle that she was not trying to be overwhelming and is just checking in.
BUT, having said all of that, i do think a measure of honesty should be involved. i don't think there's any need to simply ignore her. unless you don't feel up to responding. or it's a line of communication you just don't wish to open again.
in which case, i wouldn't even worry about it too much.
I replied saying "all is well, it is a new season of our life but we are well. hope you are well. I tried to send it four times and it wouldn't send.. could that be sign? haha
honestly.. I keep trying to send it and the darn thing won't send..
looks like my phone has been cut.. just in time.. do I send an email? I just don't know if I want to contact them... especially after the pastor blew my husband off not giving him a telephone number he needed because we have left the church..
you know - this isn't easy (duh) - but being in a somewhat similar situation - leaving a church, and only one person who made an effort to find out where i'd got off to - i've wrestled with my emotions a good deal. but it seems to me that while the world would say we are perfectly justified to be irritated and upset and that it's a logical consequence of *their* actions that we should walk away and not bother about them either... i'm responsible for *my* attitude in my heart toward them before the Lord. we can't do a blessed thing about what others do or say in response to us, but we *are* responsible for our own hearts and actions...
so i say - why not respond to her in kindness? why not just thank her for calling, ask her how she's doing, if there's anything going on in her life that you can pray about with her? make it about her, and not about you. love her. forgive to the point that "what happpened" has no practical effect on how you treat her now. or "turn the other cheek" as Jesus put it. you never know - this may be an open door to some honest communication that will help both of you. who knows what God may be doing in her heart, or why she called? risk it. that's my advice - for what it's worth. but in the meantime, i will be praying for you. He knows far better than any of us do what the best course of action is, and I will simply ask Him to help you quiet your heart so you can hear His direction. Blessings...
I just sent an email Happy, it was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time.. I swallowed my pride and I let her know I care and pray for them.. I even asked how the pastor is doing and the kids.. it was difficult but I did it!
I'm late to the conversation today because I have a cold...but I know how you feel. About 6 months after I had left church (not having heard a word from anyone) one of the associate pastors who had been a friend of mine called to see how I was going. I know her intentions were that of care, but it made me so friggin mad that she waited so long. In reflection, though, I know she was trying to give me space by waiting.
I know Happy's advice is great, but it's so hard. I think even today I would still send a nasty e-mail, because of the pain. fortunately I haven't been faced with that again.
I've had a few people contact me out of the blue; one today! Just got the message on the phone machine actually. We left our IC a few months ago...
It's not easy. I like the advice here...to let Love lead. I'll take it too. I want to be ready and willing, not pressured but taking steps of faith and not thinking the worst (though from my experience it's hard not to)
My advice, well, maybe send an e-mail if you feel so led... If you need some time, that's also understandable. It depends where you are at. I'm trying not to do anything out of pressure, in relationships. The IC has so much pressure attached to it- yuck
I agree with Manu, Getting There, about not doing anything out of pressure. I am dealing so much with boundaries at the moment, and about how my own need reinforcing so that I don't discover myself 15 miles away from where I was 12 seconds ago simply because I am going along with what other people want.
Your pain is legitimate. You get to decide how far and no further to go with this.
I don't have time to read all the comments, I apologize for that, I may be repeating something someone already said. My thought is what would your motive be? Would it be to share that you are hurt, angry or bitter? I think you have every right to share that. Is it to let her know that the church did a crap job of "welcoming" you? I think that it would be good for them to know it. It a tough one. I'd probably email her and tell her how I felt. Let us know what you decide.
Thanks for all the advice. I did send an email as my husband always says,"be the bigger person' so I did that...not to try to be the bigger person but to show them that even though I am not in their church that I can be Very Fruitful and walk in love.. hopefully this opens the door for me to share how I feel when she does ask.. but I know they will take any hurt I share as critism as they did when I first voiced my concerns about the church.
Many people have left the church and I believe as long as they continue.. the more people will wake up and leave. The pastor is very tempered and immature and I think people will see through that.. i can't change them.. so for now I will just pray for them.. I know for a fact that if I share how I feel they will reject it and I will feel worse.
getting there - i am so proud of you!!! good job, sister. :)
if you do end up having an opportunity to talk about your experience and how you're processing it with your pastor/his wife/anyone from the church - the more you can make it about "this is MY experience, MY perspective" the less room for argument there will likely be. (this is also true if you can hold up things to the truth of God's Word...tho *how* you do it is important) if you can keep it "all about love" which is patient, kind, etc. - anything that doesn't go well will be their issue. remember - you aren't responsible for their responses to you - only to what you say and how you say it.
praying for you, sister. i know that was tough - but you did the right thing. and i think it really honored Him.
grace and peace,
Happy
any news?
I didn't receive a reply but I expected that much..
then let's say "no news is good news" for the time being.
believe me, i tried the "let's get this hashed out" approach and it was not worth the effort or pain i put into it. nothing changed other than a whole congregation has now been gregariously lied to about me and believes the lies.
do you feel better at least having shared?
I'm sorry D.
She didn't reply? Aggghh :( How annoying/good (rule out whichever is applicable ;)
I feel good that i have shared this with you. It's amazing, I used to feel like they were the greatest people on earth. They used to pay for my son's day care because 'they felt that God had put it on their hearts.' but when I left, they stopped paying.. so I guess me leaving the church it is 'no longer on God's heart'.. That is not what bugs me as I suspected that the payments would stop. anyways Thanks everyone for the support!
I wonder who is doing their monthly magazine now(as I used to do that)? I threw most of the Cd's, booklets and magazines that relate to them away..
It is odd that the people you meet and only know from church do not stay friends with you if you leave it.
This is one of the ways you know that you never really made real inroads with most people there as far as love and friendship go.
Good friends look out for each other and walk through life together.
The pastor's wife was my 'so called best friend' many others left the church were my friends and I tried to stay in contact with them but they probably thought I brought back bad memories? or didnt' want to cause division? I would have expected at least the friends from the life group to contact me. Even many who had dinner at my house havn't contacted me. Maybe they are afraid of me? who knows.. all I know is that it was all fake!
Dee, I didn't realize she had been your best friend. That has to really hurt, considering how you put yourself out there to e-mail her. I have had exactly the same experience, except she wasn't the pastors wife...just in leadership. I'm sorry. I know it's a very painful thing to go through.
Wow, GT, that's a bit more of a big deal then, if she was your friend.
I don't understand that whole deal either, the way if you leave a church building suddenly you are not to be contacted anymore. It's patently pathetic, but when people are stuck in the system with their little ways of doing things, I'm sure it seems very much the right thing to do.
Funny how every church betrays by this way of acting that they think that they're the "right" church, and if you leave and go somewhere else you're leaving the flock and to be shunned.
These people should perhaps bring themselves into the New Testament.
I'm sorry, this type of thing makes me absolutely f#^king furious. How dare these people behave in the name of Christ in this way. Did they all check their minds and hearts at the door. Mein Gott, I hate Christianity and what it does to people. If you hadn't been in a church, GT, I be she wouldn't have acted like that.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
oh, I hear ya. I know what that is like. I tried to explain it to someone today and they were totally minimizing how painful it is to realize that most of the relationships were fake (as you said) or mostly fake, and based all around the system... I'm dealing with it too right now... It IS very painful. People so wrapped up in church don't even realize that "church" has become their god..., a nasty god with no real love to give especially to those who don't serve it!
Thanks everyone for understanding. I am just glad that I see it now and that I am not still there joining in on the fake fellowship. Last night, I remembered your names and thought of you and found closer friendships within a few weeks in the blogosphere. You are all in my prayers. It is so comforting to have people like you around! Bless You xxx
Hi D ~ Sorry it has taken me so long to get in here and read. I feel like I have missed so much. Life around here has been a little "crazy" in the last couple of weeks. (or maybe it was just me, I don't know)
At any rate, I am glad to hear that you at least made the attempt. I have not stepped foot in my I.C. in about nine months except for special occasions. Bet you can't guess how many people have called or come by???
Good on you for sending the email. I hope eventually something good comes of it.
Just another perspective. I've been in churches where people have left and I have felt too hurt to get in touch with them. I have taken their leaving personally and felt like they were rejecting me.
Susan, you touched on something I'm going to write about soon, and it's a very good point. (Yes, people I do intend to blog again. LOL.) It took me a a very long time to realize it, but some of my frineds felt that if I was "too good for the church" I also thought I was too good for them.
Good point actually! The difficulty is that they believe so differently from me now. They were all into this lakeland revival thing.. I am to be honest very relieved in a sense that they haven't contacted me because I would have to tell them the truth.. So I guess on both sides it is hurtful. All my really good friends left the church before I did.. I sms'd them, phones some of them and I think now that they have the same fear..
I deleted the church's database of all the old member's phone numbers and I have a new cell phone, lost all their numbers, I can't contact them anyway.. there is one woman that has left that I have been eager to bump into.
My husband bumped into them before we left the church and my husband said they were scared to talk to us. Now since us leaving I think they will be a lot more open to talk.
yes, Erin, pls blog! I love reading your posts!
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