I am writing to ask those who have read my blog and understand the situation between me and my friend if they could give me some advice concerning boundaries...
I recently talked to my friend. She text me last night and sort of kind of tried to apologize to me, but yet the next second she turned around and told me she did not regret what happened and what she did and she felt she had to do it. Ever since my visit and through all that happened, I can see that she is quite a controller and she has a very aggressive personality, and I am quite the opposite to her. I am more of a passive/compliant person who has a rough time setting boundaries with anyone and would probably let anyone take advantage of me (getting better though), even if they are physically abusive towards me. I don't know if I should just forgive her like I have, and move on with life and continue to reach out to her, or should I set some kind of boundaries between us so that she won't control me in the friendship that we have left? Should I email her and let her know, or just let it go and move on... I somehow want to let her know that right now she and I can no longer be friends, but telling someone that what they are doing is hard for me to do.... Does she deserve an explanation for me not wanting to be a part of her life? In some ways I think she does and in other ways, I wish I didn't have to bite the bullet and tell her! Auhh, I don't know! Any help or advise in this situation would be greatly appreciated!!!
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5 comments:
I don't have any advice for you, Nicole, because I can't look inside your heart and soul and see whether this is important enough for you to enforce or let slide. I TOTALLY understand about the whole boundaries thing, and am dealing with that in my life in differnet ways myself. There is this flux between on the one hand needing and requiring to define your boundaries (and doesn't it feel good? and safe? and necessary) but on the other hand, to not get so rigid in defining those boundaries that you never let anyone in. I often think of the quote from The Shack, "Grace rarely makes sense from the outside." I battle constantly with these areas.
I think honesty is always the best policy...as long as it's rooted in love. Think about the motiivations of your heart right now, and whether or not you really want to salvage this friendship...if not, then just let it go for now. Time does heal a lot of wounds, and also gives a lot more perspective. Boundaries are a good thing to have in place no matter what the situation...
That being said, I'm not the expert on relationship or boundaries, so...
Nicole ~ When I first started reading this post, I felt very strongly that she was not apologizing for what happened but maybe for what it did to the two of you.
I think that if there is a chance for reconciliation, you should surely jump on it but at the same time, don't be a doormat. It's better to take a stand now than to let it build up and explode later.
Maybe an email is the answer. Let her know exactly how you feel and more importantly why. Tell her that you forgive her. You'll know where you stand, and for that matter how to proceed, depending of when and if you get her reply.
Oh yeah, thank you. In writing this response to you, I have also been given the answer to a question that I have been asking of God recently.
I will pray for your decision.
I have lost friendships in the past due to my changing beliefs about religion, and all I can tell you is there are a couple that I just let go of and today wish I had talked with them about it. Not necessarily to reconcile the relationship, but so that I had peace of mind. It's that darn closure thing.
So my only advice is to be honest with her about how you feel. Maybe the relationship will be saved, maybe it won't but you will not have regrets about not telling her how you feel.
I can see that she is quite a controller and she has a very aggressive personality, ???
Red flag ... BIG one
If love doesn't rule this friendship then it will not do any good for you to continue on ...
Be true to the Lord and take care of yourself. Love begins with loving yourself.
Love the lord your God with all of heart mind body and soul.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
Think this way .. if I was treating someone else the way this person treats me, would I be surprised if that person walked away and didn't give me the time of day?
Just a thought :-)
Hugs
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