Update

Hi all,

If you've seen my blog, you've seen a song posted that my husband wrote. He's written several lately and put music to them. This is, I think, the fifth in line from him. It's important because, although it's not a promise, it's an apology for 18 years of lots of shit.

A brief synopsis of all of my brokenness lately is that on my birthday in September he forgot again. Maybe not forgot, but refused to acknowledge. That's typical of us. Something is important to me, his neurosis kicks in (fear of being controlled) and he withdraws. I wind up feeling abandoned. So.. after one more year among many of not being acknowledged in a special way I decided in my heart, "I'm done with this". That same week my step-grandfather passed away suddenly. That was tough and my husband was supportive, friendly but also realized I was making plans to move on with my health and my life. That same week a co-worker of his -- 21 yr old girl with a new baby and a failing marriage - called my husband to profess herself falling in love with him. Thus began the whirlwind.

My husband has been very honest throughout this whole ordeal - painfully so. At least I take comfort in the fact that I haven't been deceived. However, there have been many times I have been completely taken advantage of. Many would have thrown in the towel based on his feelings for this young girl 10 times by now. Three weeks ago I told him in all calmness, "I think we're done here" and I told him he should move out. He did not want this ordeal to cost him his family and was faced with the task of dealing with several internal issues of his own. Mind you, I am not perfect. However, my junk has been being dealt with for a while now. The task at hand became determining if we could be healthy and stay together or would we be more healthy as individuals to become individuals completely. We have three children; ages 8, 6 and 5. It would be huge adjustment to "try" separation for a while - obviously.

Throughout this process we have gone back to the beginning - why did we get married to begin with? Short answer: To be like *them* (people in our church circle). We thought we'd be the next *them*. Next we adopted ideas of *that couple* and tried to force each other into the ideal that went along with that -- never really recognizing who we were as individuals and the differences we held. If we did recognize it, we found fault in it. For example - when we first met, he loved how I didn't give a crap what anyone thought. Slowly, though, he convinced me that I should consider others way above myself and I became a neurotic little obsession in need of others approval which, yes, caused him to see me as weak. Our projections onto one another, thanks to religious roles, has completely sucked the life out of each of us.

Regardless of why we got married and what has kept us together (up until now, all religious reasons) we are still here and now have three children. So, instead of walking away completely we are trying to recognize each other for who we really are, deal with our own shadows and see if we can be healthy together or not. It's a one day at a time situation.

The work-girlfriend has died down some although the situation has come and gone quite a few times lately. I think the last piece of the puzzle was put to bed last week when 'chatting' became no longer an option outside of work. I thought that was settled long before last week but.. regardless... I think it's clear now.

Sixteen years of marriage and three kids plus lots of deconstruction has given room for growth and also provided many scary options. We still are walking together for now - we'll see how it all turns.

Many weeks ago I took off my wedding rings. The rings themselves were purchased out of urging from a friend in common (one of whom we idealized at the time) and everything those pieces of gold represent are no longer what I want a part of my life. I would like to happily wear a ring again but it won't be those - they represent what I don't want -- more of the same old forced compliance. He agrees.

We've tried our damnedest throughout all of this. If we can't move on together as friends, we'll have to attempt separating as friends. My mental weakness that occurs when we go to hell is not healthy nor is his neurosis flare-ups. We'll be healthy together or we'll be healthy apart. Either way -we love each other enough to want the best for each other; regardless of what that looks like in the near future.

All of that to say - if you've listed to the song on my blog - this update gives more back-story behind it. If you comment in detail about it, please do so here and not on my blog. He visits my blog but doesn't know about this site. I'm way more candid here.