Back from Chicago, with a head cold, in more ways than one.
All in all, we had a pretty good time. We did something different-- got away for the holiday to define our own identity as a family more, just the three of us. It was a good step for us. A couple family members did not understand us leaving at this time, but that's the way it goes. We did what we needed to do. We are not overly fond of repetitive traditions that lose their meaning, because the tradition itself becomes more important than what it supposedly celebrates. What IS celebrated, anyway? Is it a facade to appear as though we are indeed close, when in fact we aren't?
I know this isn't true for all, but for many, it is.
It can all be so confusing for me, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Can't we just do away with the whole thing? What's the purpose anymore? I know, each person can chose for themselves...? But can they, really? What would you say to someone who is not celebrating Christmas? What would you think? Aren't people free to just not do it. Hardly. We chose to "flee" to Chicago, while we try to figure it out...
So the three of us gladly gave one another a few gifts, played games and sang some songs.
As far as the whole shabang is concerned, i still felt some dreadful guilt, and that is why I hate the whole thing. I felt pressure to participate, well, rather, to make it happen; why do I need to try harder during "Christmas?" It just goes against the gospel. It doesn't have to be that way, I know. The pressure was internal... trying not to feel guilty for saying NO to certain people.... We did something different but there was a cost.
It seems every year Christmas comes sooner and is more dreadful each time. Am I doing something wrong? Am I too fearful to just say I'm not doing it this year? Why is it all so freakin' confusing? I think part of it is because I have swallowed the blue pill, and nothing is as it once was and there is no going back. Deconstructing from foolish religious practices has it's price. Christmas season can be one of those heavily confusing periods... so many memories and expectations around it, not too unlike deconstructing from Churchianity... so that is why my head is all stuffed up. Can anyone else relate? ( I'm not asking for answers to all these questions...)
Pray for me...
thank God it's all over with for now
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Can't say that I don't agree with that. I wonder the same thing about many more things.
I love this post, Manuela. I can see how confusing it is. I can see the freedom you are walking into. I can se the confusion in the process of doing that. It is the way, it seems. We walk along bumbling, thinking we aren't getting anywhere because oh, look at the guilt.
Bloody guilt! I honestly did not think I carried as much of it as I do. But as soon as I walk out into new territory, it comes traipsing after me like a hungry tired child, wailing.
That doesn't mean you're not getting free, though :) It's just part of the process of getting free.
You rock. I'm so glad you did this :)
I can really relate to the "what does it all mean" thing...and I used to carry the same guilt - well, sometimes it still creeps back also. We just had too many years of horrible experiences, and then I watched my children being treated badly in the name of putting on a good family front for others during the holidays. I am fortunate that I have a "no nonsense" husband and he has helped me see priorities differently and in a more healthy way.
For many reasons combined, we no longer travel to see my side of the family for Christmas...it's too long and ugly to explain it all here, but it's just better that way! They are welcome here any other time except for Christmas. It's just too much stress and family mutilation.
Just this year, I've come to realize (this for myself - not even my husband necessarily agrees) that the reason we are supposed to celebrate Christmas really occurs all year, and with the historical evidence of the timing of Christ's birth, it just confirmed to me the stress we all put on ourselves to have some meaning to the season other than what we can do. For us, if it's nonstressful fun, then so be it! If we want to give gifts, ok...sing songs? ok. Talk about the Christmas story...ok. If we can afford it financially and emotionally...we'll do some extra things. Whatever...but I've stopped worrying so much about what everyone else thinks it should be, including the Jesus part of it. Because to me that is made up to an extent also...I think that Jesus would want us to enjoy one another and grow together during this time, making memories just like you did! And consider Him more on a daily basis than try to squeeze it all in during a holiday that is already overwhelming.
Just my opinion!
In a really snappy tone once, i defended myself against a Christmas attack (you know, those militant people who see having a state holiday as a right and not a privilege and demanded that I not only celebrate it but demand that the state sponsor it as well and give it their "blessing") --
"If everyone is kinder and more giving this time of year then they are neither kind nor giving. It's a sham, a hoax, a put on, like someone who is about to die reading the scriptures hoping for brownie points from God, or someone who is easily swept up by mass hysteria turning and doing something, either good or dreadful, that they would never do otherwise. The "christmas spirit" -- if it can be turned on or off according to a calendar -- is nothing at all but hollow religiosity and I am no longer into fooling myself."
It had been a really looong day.....
I struggle with this same stuff too. So many times this past week I've asked myself, "why do I do this every year?!.. I hate it!!"
I guess I don't have an alternative in place. My sister in law tried to avoid Christmas last year by taking her family out of town but her mother made such an issue of it we all had to have Christmas with her three weeks early so that it could still be jammed into the month of December.
Of course now that my kids are the ages that they are, they've come to expect the several days of Christmas that are spent between all of the divorced relatives and, of course, the gifts.
I don't know what else could be done about it but oh how I'd love to have an alternative!
THANK GOD for you all, you are few and far between! I've been a mess. Hearing from you is serious balm to my soul! Seriously, swallowing the blue pill is not for the feeble-hearted, huh?!
Mike, yeah... : )
Sue, thank you for your encouragement. The path to freedom can be like a granade zone sometimes (in our head)! All the stupid lies rear their ugly heads saying we need to go back... but I say, to what? False security, false comfort? I'm mad I've gotten sucked into so much crap in the past. Maybe it was "easier" initially...but whatever!
Kari, thank you for sharing! Seriously, I am totally with you, I'm just seriously trying to make my way out, internally.
Tyler,
you are SO right. I love what you said : )
It is a total sham. It about makes more sense for pagans to do what they do during the whole charade, than it does "believers." Everything is backwards...I admire your guts in taking your stand.
Love you all...we are his bride
okay, this just came to mind "O afflicted one, tossed with tempest, and not comforted ..."
I looked up the rest... very encouraging...
(Isaiah 54:11-17)
O you afflicted one, Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,
Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,
And lay your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your pinnacles of rubies,
Your gates of crystal,
And all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your children shall be taught by the LORD,
And great shall be the peace of your children.
14 In righteousness you shall be established;
You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
And from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15 Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me.
Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake.
16 “ Behold, I have created the blacksmith
Who blows the coals in the fire,
Who brings forth an instrument for his work;
And I have created the spoiler to destroy.
17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the LORD.
Michelle,
I missed your comment while I was writing my novel, above. Anyway, YEAH i hear you. I'm with you. I don't want my daughter to come to expect/ demand all the stuff either... She's four and she sort of already does. Kids are all about having fun and getting stuff, aren't they?! It's up to us to teach them otherwise and man, it is NOT an easy job. The whole holiday thing is soooo over the top. I'm totally with you....we do need an alternative... love
I finally came to a place of admitting this year that christmas has nothing to do with Christ for me anymore. It never really did, but I was certain it was sacrilege to feel that way. But the holiday as those of us in the western world celebrate it is completely void of any religious meaning. I think one has to look outside the "Christmas" tradition purposefully to find Jesus.
If I'm not mistaken, I think Christ was born in the spring anyway...
anyone??
yeah...Mike, that is what my husband and I were discussing yesterday! I do believe it was the spring, but I think TD has all of that information somewhere on here...I'll see if I can find it.
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