I can't do it on my own blog because too many people I know read it and I'm not really ready to talk there yet.
My Mum just called. She's been diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. It seems it's in the early stages but she won't know for sure until she sees a specialist just after Christmas.
I've never been all that close to her, although I lived with her my entire childhood (my parents divorced when I was 9 and I stayed with her), but I don't know. This makes things seem different.
I'm crying but I don't really know why. I'm so sad for her, but I'm not so sure how to talk to her or what to say.
Sorry this is completely disjointed and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm typing through tears. I just needed to say something to somebody.
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22 comments:
Heather, i'm so sorry...I think it's very very normal and very OK to not know what to say to your mom, and she's probably feeling the same way. Hugs to you...
Hey Heather,
That's such horrid news. It's so hard when you're not really close to your parents and something like this happens. So what is her prognosis?
Heather, I think this is sometimes easier to take with someone whom you have a close and loving relationship. There is something about an intimate relationship that helps you carry the weight. I too, am not close to my mom and it is so hard to relate to her health issues as she gets older. I long for the relationship that I have with my daughters. It just muddles the whole thing. Sometime my tears are for what I know should/could be. Will be praying for you as you sort out all the feelings this brings.
Honey, you are in shock, don't try to sort things out now, just go ahead and feel what you feel -- there is no logic that can apply and no reasonable expectations that can be met :( praying for you hon
Hmm... what Barb & Tyler said... me, too. {{HUG}} Let the emotion come out. It's okay to feel and be confused about it.
Oh Heather, hon, like Tyler said, don't try to sort it out this soon. I'm praying for you and your mom.
Heather -
I'm here for you too. Sometimes sitting with the feelings is all you can do.
Michelle
I'm sorry to hear of this Heather and I am praying for all who are affected by this news.
(((Heather)))
oh, Heather... praying. i am so sorry. wish i could jump a plane and come give you a hug, but i'm sending one your way, anyway.
love you.
Hap
You must be feeling so many different emotions with this. I pray that the HS will give you strength from within to be there in a real way for your Mum.
wow
praying Heather ...
This is a big thing in your life
God be with you and give you wisdom and hold you up with His strength.
I'lly sorry to hear that, Heather. Praying now.
Thanks so much everyone. You're all awesome.
I'm still no closer to processing it all after a night's sleep.
My brother (http://jchuddo71.blogspot.com/) got the same news yesterday. I haven't spoken to him yet, I thought I'd leave him time to digest it too. I know I didn't feel like making phone calls yesterday. I'll call him tonight. My two younger sisters too.
This is weird - usually I'm the capable one, not the one who posts stuff like this and doesn't know what to do. I do stuff and fix things. I think logically and practically. I can't fix this so I think I feel a bit lost because of that too.
In answer to Sue's question, who knows? Some places you look tell you five years, some say twenty five. She's only 55. She won't know how long she's had it already until after Christmas. She won't use any "normal" treatments like radiotherapy or chemo - she is drinking teas and eating some kind of mushroom stuff from her naturopath. I don't know if that will do any good or not, and whether it changes anything as far as prognosis.
Hey Sweetie, I know this is hard news. I am sorry that your family has to go through this. But my life, is fighting for my wife's life all the time. (Sherri's been on dialysis for twenty three years) I don't begin to understand what the things your mom will be going through. But I do know, never to give in to despair and to fight. No matter what it is, we all come out the other side.
Also, if you ever need advice on dealing with the doctors, please ask my advice. Getting them to do what you want is sometimes problematic. I am sure the laws are different there. But dealing with doctors for so long, my wife has great wisdom to draw on. Also, email is not a great way to get ahold of me. Phone numbers: Home 678-482-6920, and Cell 678-492-1498. No ideas as to the country code.
But you have and your family have my prayers and love.
Thanks so much, Nate. I can't even imagine what you have to go through every day. :-(
Thanks so much for your offer of help. I will call if I need to (by the way, I wrote down the numbers so if you want you can delete them because it's a public forum). She's not going to seek the help of doctors other than to confirm how advanced it is with a specialist after Christmas. She'll be dealing with naturopaths instead. That wouldn't be my decision, but it is hers and I have to respect that. I also probably won't be going through any of it "with" her. She has her husband for that, and she'd probably be more annoyed at the intrusion than anything if we turned up for appointments and such. She also lives about 5 hours drive away. We were planning to visit her in around late January or early February anyway. The most likely thing is we'll just talk on the phone a little more.
Thanks so much for caring. You are an amazingly strong person, Nate.
By the way, the country code for the US is 1 :-) In case you ever need to tell anybody.
oh, this is very difficult...
Please keep us posted.
Some things do take time to process...
love to you
Heather! Ohh sweety I am praying that Father will fill your heart with peace that surpasses all understanding... You are in my thoughts and prayer!!!
Oh Heather, I am so sorry...Please tell mum that people all over the world will be praying for her and the family.
There is something about a parent not being well that shakes us to the core...but I believe like Nate...don't dare give in to despair. He is faithful and that is all that matters. Love, Linda
Oh, Heather, I really don't know what to say. I've been in a similar place...and it takes time to process.
I'll pray for you, for sure...I hope you will find that place of peace that I did. Our Father is kinda good at helping people find that..:)
Heather - I don't know you, but my partner has CLL and I know the roller coaster of feelings that comes with a anew diagnosis. My heart goes out to you.
When the time is right I would encourage you to check out the CLL Topics website for some FANTASTIC information accessible to us lay people. It has been VERY helpful to me in our journey to understand the wide ranging realities of different CLL patients and how we can be our own best advocates for quality treatment. http://clltopics.org/index.php
Excuse me for dropping in to your blog (I have a Google Alert set to Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and your post popped up). I wish you, your mother and your circle of support all the best.
Good luck. Jim
Heather, i don't have words.. but I am glad you have the ability to share this! Thinking of you!
Heather - what my son said to me when I was diagnosed with CLL 2 years ago was
"I have all of the bone marrow and stem cells you will ever need, whenever you need them."
I also had my left kidney removed due to a large tumor, and he added,
"I even have an extra kidney if you ever need that, too."
I would encourage you to go to
www.clltopics.com for great information, and www.cllforum.com for support and information. CLL can play out in so many ways depending on which chromosomes have mutated. Knowledge is power.
At times the family members and caregivers have a harder time than the one with cancer.
Holding good thoughts for you and your Mom.
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