I'm sorry to be so needy but.. here I am again.
My husband's Christmas party is coming up in two weeks and of course all of the co-workers will be there. He says that *their* relationship has calmed down and he tells her he's committed to his marriage and now they're friends but still good friends - more than I would prefer. Anyway, she'll be there and not only does he want us to meet, he thought it would be good for us three to meet prior to the official party, have some drinks, and break the ice. One moment I think I can manage that and be nice and bla bla and other moments I think "what?!... I can't handle that!"
I'm trying to be gracious here and understanding and all that stuff. Could anyone shed some light on this that maybe I'm not seeing -- either way? I would assume there would be a few "girl... tell him no!" with fingers snapping and stuff ;-).... but other than that. Could I actually be nice and gracious and confident and steady in the face of this?
Just to clear up any misconceptions that might arise from lack of words - no he isn't looking for a 3-way. He thinks that it would be more healthy for her to know me as well to break some of her connection with just him. He mentioned weeks ago that he'd know when she had let go of her ideal of him running away with her when she was ready to meet his wife. So CAN we be friendly? Am I just being insecure and petty when I think I'd rather go the rest of my life without meeting her?
I'm rambling... sorry. But thanks in advance.
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18 comments:
Michelle,
Without sounding like one of those, "Girl...tell him no!", I do think it's really really strange that he would want you to meet her and if he is really committed to you and your family and saving the marriage, then he will definately stop communication of this form with the girl...I can understand something professional a little bit, but with the history, it's just too dangerous..he's human, so is she. Seriously, if he is going to commit to you and the family, he will have to make some concessions on his end. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh...it just kind of sounds like he's not willing to let it go completely, and that would not fly with me even if I were trying to save the relationship and be gracious. Hope this helps. It doesn't matter what occurred in your past...if forgiveness is true, you still need to value yourself and continue to follow your gut. You ARE worth so much...so so much, and you are smart. It's just weird in my opinion...and I say that in love...not meaning to sound harsh or judgemental. I hope that you find the right answer for you...
Michelle, I'm agreeing with WM.
I've been in that situation, and from what I could see in my situation, and what I see in yours, is that your husband does not want to let go of that relationship. And unless he does, there is danger that it will start up again.
For you to tell him 'NO' does not make you ungracious or unforgiving. You need to respect you...and I think inside of you, all that discomfort is talking loudly to you. If it was a good idea...I think God would give you and exceptional peace about it. But if there is not...my opinion is, don't.
I don't know all of your situation...everyone's is so different. But I do know God can give you what you need to either have the meeting (and feel good about it) or the gut feeling that something is wrong, which should help you with the decision.
I found that when I began to trust my gut..and my heart...even when the decisions seems kinda hard...I did not regret them. They became the building points for me to become a whole person, instead of one who was kinda a doormat.
I didn't respect myself. So I chose 'forgiveness'and 'grace'...but I had wrong perceptions of what those were. I though it meant I could let it all go and things would be better, and the relationship would heal up...but none of that took into account that there was some big issues. And until those issues were at least out in the open...all would not be well.
Men don't usually fall into an affair..then just get out of it, recommit to wife, and things get to be okay.
There is alot more going on that led him to that point..and it sounds like he doesn't truly get why he did what he did.
Or at least, not fully.
And affair has far-reaching, and deep attachments to it. I'm not sure you've begun to process all the heartache yet. That takes time.
Anyways, sorry...since I've been in that place...often too much advice comes out...
What WM said about your hubby showing commitment by staying out of contact with that other woman...she's got an excellent point.
If he is so wanting you guys to be okay with each other, he wants to keep her around. Which begs question, Why?
I echo everything the others said and not to be redundant, but there's no two ways about this in my mind. It's entirely inappropriate for him to even ask this of you considering the nature of his relationship with her. He really should deep-six her. Not to be crude, and no bearing on her as a person, but there it is.
It's one thing for men and women to be friends, but when a woman (or man) has threatened a marriage, any level of relationship is wrong.
It's hard to know her heart.
She's obviously very needy herself.
Gosh this is tough...
You are the only one who can decide here.
Find out what the Lord wants from you. I agree with going the peaceful way.
In deep prayer the Holy Spirit will guide you and let you in on some things.
It may very well be that your husband is bringing you in to break her infatuation ... which would have been nice if he had done this earlier.
If you do meet with her you need to lay the cards on the table in a loving manner and let her know that she has caused you harm. She may respond to that.
Let the Lord steer your ship through this storm. We are supposed to submit to each other so my feeling is not quite kosher maybe. It may be that you will benefit from going along with your hubby's guidance on this one.
Who knows she may like you better and he may be the outsider ;-)
Praying ...
Hmm... I think the question is not whether or not you can do this, but rather whether or not it would be good for you to do this. We are capable of incredible acts of bravery in the face of callous indifference to how we feel. But that doesn't mean that it is good for us. For get about what he says this will do for her. Forget about what he says this will do for him. Forget about what he says this will do for you. What do you say this will do to you? This is a huge big incredibly insensitive thing he is asking. Just be careful that you don't do something out of religious or other kinds of guilt that ends up causing you even deeper damage. Like Erin said, this is entirely inappropriate. I guarantee that if the roles were reversed, he would be shocked at the suggestion that he 'meet the other guy.'
Michelle, this is blunt: I'd tell him not only are you not willing to meet her but you or HE are not even going to the party. It is totally insensitive and cruel for him to ask you to meet her. I'm sorry you have to go through this, you are obviously a sweet, wonderful woman. Put your foot down and tell him NO WAY. I haven't read the other comments here yet and I hope I am not being to harsh, but the way I see it he has some subconscious sick egotistical or cruel reason for wanting YOU to meet her. This is just not normal behavior. This woman has problems but they are not YOUR problems or HIS. Again, I am sorry you have to go through this right now.
Oh honey, this sounds like it is "all about him."
I don't want ice broken, I don't want your heart broken anymore. I think it is time to start guarding your heart for all it is worth and your heart is worth a lot! You are the daughter of a King, THE King, and this just kills me that you are being forced to endure this.
No, this is not about him breaking the ice of breaking the connection, this seems to me about him trying to deal with his guilt by bringing you as far into this situation as he can in order to be "open and honest." But this is just too devastating and harmful.
You want to come live with me for a while? I mean it, you can come here. I am just sick over this :(
And he needs to work someplace else. I hope he finds another job. You have done nothing wrong honey, and therefore do not deserve to have to do anything to "fix" this thing.
I know this is gonna sound like a weird question, but have you asked him what this girl offers him that you don't? I'm not saying anything he's doing or has done is right in any way!! I'm just trying to understand the situation more. You mentioned he's felt controlled... for whatever reason.
I know in my marriage I was pretty controlling at the start because of my own fear and brokeness, but he let me control him too. It was sick and by God's grace and healing I've been able to break out of this in many ways, and I'm still learning. I can't do my husband's part. I can only do my own.
I commend you for trying to understand where he's coming from. This is a messy situation.
If I was in this situation, I WOULD NOT go hang out with her and him. He needs to break it off himself without you holding his hand!!! That's my gut on it. He needs to act like a grown man. Some good boundaries need to be set. If you've been serious about working on you, he needs to show you how serious he is, I think.
Urgh I would not ask him what she's got that you haven't, that just mentally puts him in a place to start to justify stuff and good grief, who knows what he might say that will devastate you even worse.
This isn't about you, it is never about the spouse, it is all about him. There are some people who endure a lifetime of whatever with awful wives and never even look.
Michelle, I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do or not to do in a situation like that. All I know is that things are not always a black and white clear-cut case of no. Maybe in some weird case it would be a good thing for you to meet with her, but I would think definitely not at this stage, just simply because you don't feel like you can handle it, and that is surely the best indicator of what you do or don't need to do. My opinion is that his boundaries are all over the place but I don't know you guys. Maybe there are legitimate reasons that he would want you to meet her. Maybe for him it would be something that would help him move on, for all I know. People are complex creatures. But if you can't handle it - and no way would I be able to handle it - then you can't do it and that needs to be the determining factor, surely? I've just been whining on my own blog about my own lack of boundaries, so for me to give you advice about this feels a bit hypocritical, I have to say! *wry smile*. I think women find it very hard to stand their ground and state their claims and needs, but we so need to for our own sense of safety.
Prayers for you, Michelle!
Hey, Michelle...
I've never been married so I don't have the slightest bit of perspective from which to give you advice on this. But I will pray for you, along with V, that the Lord shows you exactly what the right course is for you to take. If HE (Jesus) asks this of you, you CAN do it - it's just a question of what He says about it.
The way of love is always the best way, even if it is the hardest way... so ask Him what the way of love is, and do that.
I will be praying for you. I'm so sorry that things are so hard.
Michelle, I know you know me well enough that this next statement will not bother you. But your husband is a fucking idiot. I know this is a horribly gut wrenching situation for you, but I am belly laughing at how absolutely stupid this idea is.
From a guy perspective, if we flipped this with my wife bringing the guy over, this is what I would do. Go buy a gun, and make sure I just "HAPPENED" to be cleaning it when he came over. Give him some serious career and safety advice. Like, "Get a new career, a long way away from my wife, or it may not be healthy for you."
Luckily you have some sound advice from the ladies here. But really, I only see that he is not removing the cancer. He is inviting it over for drinks. Like if the cancer knows you better, it will agree to leave. More like, the cancer will see how much better she is for him than you, and become a bigger pain in the ass.
Nothing good will come of this.
But I still pray for you everyday. Love out.
Wow, Michelle I guess we all spoke our minds here.. ;-)
In the end this is your life not ours.
Praying for you sweet lady that you are at peace and happy about whatever path to freedom you choose.
I was thinking that maybe you WILL have to play hardball and tell him to do his own laundry.
Praying and waiting to hear how this pans out.
WHATEVER goes down, I am praying that you will have peace and joy through it all. The kids will not become embroiled in this and you will rise high above this and he will have to get his act together to join you in the heavenly realms here on earth.
Let the Lord lead you beside still waters, sister.
Thank you all so much for your comments and, most especially, your support. It's a wonderful thing to be able to spill out things in all honesty and receive love and support in return. I do appreciate it.
I'm sure I'll have more on the subject soon but for now I'm kind of sitting and thinking some more.
Michelle ~ I am sorry to chime in here so late in the game but I would also like to add my two cents into the mix for you.
I'm a guy and this is the biggest load of horseshit that I've ever heard. Meeting? Can you say, "putting a big smoke screen up?"
I see absolutely no good in you meeting her.
Dear Michelle,
I felt you might be able to profit from hearing from someone who has been there, done that, many times. My late husband was a pastor, and women became infatuated with him on a regular basis. When a woman is stressed out and hurting, and then has a man who listens to her with sympathy, her emotions scream at her, "Yes!this is the support you need. Grab him!" This is not the man's "fault", and it is not her "fault", but it is a problem for both of them (especially when he's not available!) A problem the devil would love to exploit any way he can. My husband handled it by counseling only in his office---never in the woman's home or going for coffee. He had a large window installed in the door of his office, so there was privacy for sound, but anyone walking by could easily see in. Generally he only told me about a woman who threw herself at him long after the fact, which was good because the one time he told me when it was happening, I was unable to have any sort of good relations with the woman...how dare she! To sum up, your husband needs to keep strict boundaries, but he does not have to get another job unless he himself has become emotionally attached(which doesn't sound like has happened since he has been so open about the situation). To ask you to meet before the party and become acquainted is really asking too much of you (though it might show that he is feeling paternalistic). And I think you should go to the party (for heaven's sake, don't send him alone!) because he might be right that seeing you will bring some reality to her thoughts. I hope this helps.
Thanks Patty - yes, your comment helps.
Hey, Michelle... what ever happened with this? And how are things going now for you?
grace and peace,
Hap
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