Hey all
Well, my brother has not returned to my house. I am so grateful for that :) Thank you for your prayers. (As a reminder, he has been coming and going and staying with me for the past six weeks, and it's really disorientated me about a million times more than I thought it was. It took a while to realise how disorientating I found it, partially because I wanted to help him and partially because I have, I have further discovered, this strange irrational sense of responsibility for him. This is because of the dynamics of our family - we are playing out the roles our parents taught us to - and because of sexual abuse issues as children).
I am in an uncomfortable period in my life where I am seeing more clearly the necessity for boundaries. Growing more able to say "no", because I know that is my true answer, and to sit with the discomfort that comes afterwards, the silly guilt, the feeling of "I am a bitch because I said no", which unfortunately so many women have to deal with.
It is a difficult thing to learn to become the person you are intended to be, is it not? I think Christianity has inadvertently taught us that denying ourselves means repressing our intuition, especially for women. It has inadvertently taught us that we are not able to hear God for ourselves, nor are we allowed to hear ourselves for ourselves because that is a sin. I am glad to see this dysfunction beginning to be displaced from within the Body.
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10 comments:
all this really makes sense and resonates with me too--the need to do away with guilt and trust the very intuition God has given us, which does lead to true safety, peace and goodness.... I'm so happy to be getting that back too, where false religion tried and tried to steal it away in the name of "love," but it wasn't really love at all...
Wow, this could have been me writing this post.
I had no idea you and I have come to such similar places...though I should have known. The way Erin raves about you....:)
I agree that the church has been party to such horrible teachings to keep so many dysfunctional attitudes..and I, too, had a hard time saying 'no' to my brother every time he came up for a visit. He's an addict, and comes with alot of baggage...which he dumps on me and my kids then leaves feeling so much better....it took alot of fighting through the guilt to finally tell him no.
Good on you that you did what you had to...it DOES take courage to be the person God made you to be...and to discover what real love is. I found that I had to love my brother by saying 'no'.
And I'm learning to love me..which is uncharted waters for me, being raised in church. It's always smacked of selfishness and pride...but God has a different take on it. I'm glad that He spoke loud enough for me to start to get it, and to defy the ones around me that wanted to drown Him out.
Wow. Learning to allow ourselves boundaries. My sister is back in town. And she is the one person above all the others that I have always had a hard time saying no to - messed up roles growing up - sort of being her parent and then not wanting her mad... lots of stuff.
And this past weekend, she came over and she's having a bit of a rough time right now living with her father-in-law and is needing a 'safe' place. I so understand that need. But... in order to maintain my safe place, I desisted the urge to offer her a key... I think she might have been expecting one... it feels good to have maintained my safety. Yeah.
Hey Sue, great post! I actually just posted on my blog about how guilt's grip is hard to escape. I know for me, I deal with guilt on a constant level in my life and I know it is draining and exhausting to even bother with it... Do not let guilt rule your life, let Father's love guide you and allow peace to flow in your heart...
mygodjourney.blogspot.com
Bless you!!!
So proud of you sweetheart, if you could only see from the outside how much you have changed over hte past two years!!!
I am thinking how funny it is that the things that westernised Christians would change about you -- the outward stuff like swearing lol -- are so unimportant and how deeply you have changed on the inside, it it simply awe-inspiring.
Manuela - yes, it is doubly cherished when we get it back, methinks, than when we originally had it :) Rebuilding the broken down walls feels ... well, apart from disorientating and horrible, it feels good too :)
Che - the way Erin raves about me? God help her! ;) Yes, it is an interesting dynamic, loving by saying no, isn't it? Well done on doing it. It was recognisable to my eyes for a long time before I could say it from my mouth :) Isn't it difficult to work out these strands - what constitutes healthy self love over against absorption? Interesting themes to follow :)
KG - Wow! Did she couch it in those terms, needing a "safe place"? Because those would push all of my "oh, I have to help then buttons. Especially with another woman. Congratulations! :)
Nicole - I think this inappropriate guilt has dragged me down so much, dragged us all down. It's good to recognise such a thing, huh?
Tyler - really? Goodness me. I shall have to take your word for it because I can't see the change that you can. In fact, sometimes I feel more dislocated than I did a couple of years ago. Thanks :)
Sue, yes, those were her exact words. And I had to consciously restrain myself from offering.
As to taking other people's word for change... I get that. My friend here tells me I have changed and grown so much, but I feel like I keep falling back to square one. ;-)
Sue, when we met you were so confused, you didn't know which end was up, you were wracked with guilt over a million things that were not your fault and you seemed to me like you were drowning under a ton of abuse and crap. You felt guilty for the divorce, you had a lot of unresolved anger over your childhood and no focused or healthy way to express it.
I see such a different person now! One by one things are getting dredged up and dealt with and you have been so brave about it! I feel like I am finally beginning to see who you were meant to be!!! When we first "met" I had no clue that you were an empath and I generally pick up on such things right away, but you were so buried, but not anymore, I see your gift blooming and flowing in such a beautiful way, I see that you have done it completely with Abba leading you and not because of a pastor, or a conference or this or that book -- girl you have been through the fire!
Hi Susie-Q, I am glad too that you have found a boundary with your brother. I'll second what Tyler said, though I've only known you a little over a year, I have seen you change a lot as well. And "not with a Pastor or a conference or a book". It gives me hope...and you have helped me find my creative again too...I'm not there yet, but it's coming. So thanks.
And I'm glad my friend Ché found you, I saw she's been commenting on your blog. You'll like her.
KG - yes, it is disorientating and sometimes feels as if I am walking out my "shadow side" and so I can't very easily cosnciously see it. I think the end result is integration. It's good to share the journey with you.
Tyler - I don't need to eat now, I can just live on your words for the next week. Thank you so much. I didn't realise how I needed to read those words until I read them. Thank you for speaking what you see.
Erin - I'm glad too. I actually feel very buoyed this afternoon because he called me about ideas on what to get our second cousins for Christmas, and it made me realise that some weird part of me somewhere (certainly not a conscious part) was expecting some sort of reverb from my actions. How weird all of this is!!
Keep going on with your creativity. It is exactly this sort of situation, methinks. You think you're not making any progress, but the most seems to be made in the dark. Suddenly you realise that woosh, you are doing things you couldn't imagine how a month or so ago. It's very uncomfrotable though, isnt it :) You and Che actually met up with each other earlier in the year, didn't you? Coolies :)
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