Hi! My name is Nicole and I found this blog through Manuela. Great thoughts you all and it feels like such a comfortable and encouraging place to spill my guts, so here goes…
Without going into great detail and making this post longer than usual, I just wanted to get some encouragement and prayers about what I should do about some family issues that have been popping up this summer. My eldest sister is leaving my brother-in-law to go live with her ex-husband. It is quite a shock to most of my family and we are having a hard time supporting her decision to do this. First let me just say that my brother-in-law did not do anything to her, but loved her and treated her like a queen for the six years they have been married. However, my sister thinks she is now in love with her ex-husband so she decided earlier this summer to move back with him. This has made family gatherings quite awkward and hard to deal with. My dad especially has taken this really hard because she has really destructive life patterns that he has seen ever since she was a teenager. We have all tried to talk to her about our concern for her, but she doesn’t seem to care what the family thinks but expects all of us to back her up in this bad decision, and I just can’t. I love her and I always will, but I am having a hard time accepting this rash and bad decision and how it is deeply hurting my brother-in-law who we all love very much. I don’t even feel like I can call her or email her. This issue has really put a wedge in our family and it is literally destroying the peace that we once had in the family. Do I just go along with it? Or how do I love her, but at the same time not support or lift up her decision?
Any advice and help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot!!!
In Freedom, Nicole!
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Oh my goodness. I have no advice other than to say that I would be emailing and calling her husband and giving him love and support like crazy (which I bet you already are).
All I can say is how sorry I am your family is going through this. I will be praying for clarity and wisdom for you all and peace for him. This is just so heartbreaking.
Nicole, oh, boy oh boy oh boy. Wow, what a mess.
I don't have any advice. I'm not sure if there is anything you can do except stand by and watch her stuff it up. It sounds like she is just intent on doing what she wants to, and if she's operating out of those stuffed up dynamics that we all have ... well, would she be willing to listen to you anyway? Those weird dynamics go so deep that I imagine she can barely fathom herself her motivations in all of this.
Just a thought: I think you can still love her but not support her decision. Withdrawing your love from her because you disapprove of her decision ... hmm, I dunno, that would feel like manipulation to me if I was her. But withdrawing yourself because she is driving you crazy ... well, that's a different thing again, and entirely valid, as far as I'm concerned :)
Anyway, I don't know if any of that was helpful at all, but I will definitely pray for you guys.
Nicole,
I, too, will not give any advice, as I am certainly no expert. Though the best you can do is respect everyone the best you can.
I guess all I'd say is to encourage you (which I'm sure you already have been) to continue drawing near to Father to listen to what He puts on your heart to do, to say, or not to do, not to say. I've learned that the best in such situations is often taking a step back from those directly in the midst of it. I used to think doing so would be "selfish" or come across as "not thoughtful." But through various experiences, I have learned that one can love and honor another from a sort of "gracefilled distance."
What I mean by this is that for such situations, I may not "intiate," contact with the people directly involved, but rather, if one party contacts me, well then, absolutely I'll do my best to talk with them, moment-by-moment during such a conversation, I'll try my best to listen to what the Holy Spirit says and what syncs in my heart to respond with. I will be honest with them, yet speak the truth, in love.
Again, this is just from my personal own, unique experiences. Papa knows you. He knows the situation. Trust in Him to guide you, and follow.
I definitely will be praying for you in this. (I really will).
P.S. I'm just curious, do you happen to be the same Nicole as my dear friend who has a blog called "A Journey Worth Taking?"
Blessings,
~Amy :)
http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com
Nicole,
I agree with what the others have said. I wold agree with Amy that you can be against actions and still love. Over the past year and a half, my sister and I have gone through a period where we didn't see eye to eye on some things and didn't talk much. It was not the same kind of situation, but the time separated has helped us work through things independently and brought to some new common ground. So sometimes, distancing is what is needed.
But, like Amy said, each situation is unique. Just take each encounter on a case-by-case basis and let Papa guide you each time what to say and what not to say. I would also add that if you feel like you blow it now and then, don't dwell there. This is coming from my own experience. Look at it. Talk to papa about it. Let it go. Repeat as often as necessary. ;-)
I ask Papa to help you and help your sister and family. The most powerful prayer, I have learned over the last year is, "Papa, help!" It is freeing to not have to try and figure out exactly what I should pray for. Especially when I have no clue what someone (including myself) needs, exactly.
{{{hug}}}
Rotten ... sigh
Sooo hard ... WOW
Here goes
Keep your mind on the Lord ( and that is going to be harder than it sounds)
but it works
and He will keep you in perfect peace
and will let you know what to do on a moment by moment day by day basis
Big hugs and have prayed for you and your family and especially your bro in law.
Hey! Nice to see you here! : ) Glad you made it...
Prayers and love to you and your family.
Nicole - I also want to encourage you to just try to love on your sister.
Here's the only other thing I can think of...you didn't say why she and her ex-husband divorced, and you certainly don't have to answer that here, because I don't need to know. But because you sound dismayed by the idea that she is returning to her ex, I would guess that was a less than ideal situation. If that's the case and if her present marriage has been a good one, then there likely is some issue she is dealing with emotionally that might cause her to think going back to her ex will solve (she might not even realize it). Maybe you can listen to her for clues to what that might be and let that help direct how you support her.
I could be way off on this, so please let your heart and the Spirit guide you as to whether or not my thoughts have value.
Hugs to you and I will pray peace and grace for you to be whoever she needs you to be right now. I do think she probably needs you more than you know.
Since it's sounds like all the great advice has been covered..I'll not offer any.
But I will pray....may He hold you and your family close....and grant whatever wisdom you need in the moment...and His peace.
Hi Nicole and Welcome. I have just finished praying for you and your entire family as you go through this crisis and I pray that you will all find your personal peace in this matter.
Don't stop loving your sister!! This is the most important thing. I don't find that it is really an issue to let her know that you do not approve and will not approve of her actions; but love her just the same.
Don't stop loving your brother-in-law. He is going to need a lot of support; especially now. It sounds to me like your family will be the perfect fit for that.
Do vent on us if you have to. That's why this place was created.
Do pray in all things always.
Wow, thanks to you all for the wonderful support and great advice and encouragement! God is so gracious and always seems to surround me in great company such as yourselves!
Tyler, thank you kindly, I do keep in touch with my Brother In-Law, for he is near and dear to my heart especially now that he is in deep pain.
Sue, yes, it is hard to withdraw, but in this circumstance I think it is real necessity to do so, thanks for your prayers...
Hey Amy, yes it is me! I just started contributing today on this amazing community blog! I love it! Glad you come and share in too! Thank you my kind sister for sweet and encouraging words, I like what you said, I think that is a big reason why I haven't contacted my sister first hand yet. I am just trying to give it all time to perhaps heal, I am not sure, but right now I just can't seem to talk to her like everything is perfectly fine and no one has gotten hurt. Its hard to fake, and I am horrible at it, so I don't even try.
Katherine. I like what you said, "The most powerful prayer, I have learned over the last year is, "Papa, help!" It is freeing to not have to try and figure out exactly what I should pray for."
But it is hard not to want to try to 'do' something in the process of loving her. I think to myself, 'if only I could tell her something that would make her snap out of it'. But its out of my hands, and I know that! Its time to give it to God, over and over and over again if need be!
Hi Valorosa,
Thanks for the encouragement and prayers for I need it. Times like these I know that the only thing we have to hold onto is Father and the love that he gives is strong enough to love those that are at times seem to be unlovable.
Hey Manu, I made it! Once I started reading the other posts, I just had to get involved, well, you know me! I couldn't miss out on the great real conversations that were occurring. Thanks for still praying for me sis! Love Ya!
Hey Erin, yes, you were right, her ex-husband did not treat her right and was abusive to her, for that was the reason why she left him, and that is what gets me, why does she go back to him when she had it so so good with my brother now? It is pretty pitiful. I am not completely sure, but I believe that she really doesn't want me to help her, but play along with her life like everything is fine. Its frustrating to say the least, but like I said before, I suck at faking it. Anyway, I will try to be there for her, but for right now I think distance is what calls. Who knows, I may wake up tomorrow morning and God may tell me to email her or something! I just got to listen to the Spirit!
Thanks for your input, curiosity and encouragement!
Chevechon, Thanks for the lift up. Very grateful indeed!
Mike! Thanks for the kind welcome! I am learning how to love like Christ loves. I told my Dad not too long ago that this kind of loves doesn't come from me but from Father, and I know he can give it to me when and if I am willing! I am willing in Jesus Name to love my sister with the love of Christ and am learning how to portray that to her! Yes, and to my brother also, he is like blood to all of us, and it is truly been painful to feel like he won't be a part of our family. Although, I am doing the best to keep in touch with him and continue to give encouragement and support to him who has lost his wife! Its that painful.
Thanks Mike!!!
You ALL are great! Thank you for the comments and concern you have for me!!!
In Freedom, Nicole!
i would like to add my welcome to you as well, nicole. (and amy, and che. i've seen you both around but i don't think we've ever been properly introduced. so hello!!!!)
"...I believe that she really doesn't want me to help her, but play along with her life like everything is fine."
a few years back my wife and i were going through a rough patch, and i went to kansas to visit extended family i hadn't seen in 18 years. as we were talking, my aunt simply said, "you know, yesterday we spent so much time talking about how to 'fix her.' and i don't think that's the key. i think you just need to love her, right now, just the way she is. because that's how god loves us."
i am at the point in my personal beliefs where i only believe in two "universals", the second of which is to treat others the same way you want to be treated.
what if you did something that everyone else thought was crazy and unhealthy, but you felt was something you had to do? would you want those closest to you to love you anyway? even if it means them standing by and waiting for the pieces to fall apart again?
answer those questions for yourself and i think you'll find your answer. at least, that's what works for me.
sometimes we have to make huge mistakes to find out what we really need in this life. at least, once again, that's how it's been for me.
much love.
I agree with what Jon said. It doesn't mean you have to help her, or condone her behavior, but be there, because I'd bet there will be piece to pick up eventually.
Nicole,
Yeah! I thought it was you! Very cool. Indeed, this community blog is such a wonderful idea.
I really do understand about your not intiating contact with your sister. Sometimes it is best to. If she desires your support, I would just encourage you to contact you first. And, perhaps it is Father also telling you to take a step away/give her space...and not jump-in.
In any case, I love you sister, and am still praying for the whole situation. I have a feeling Father is working stuff out right now on their side of things.
Blessings,
~Amy :)
http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com
Nicole,
I thought this was you! This community blog is a wonderful idea!
Indeed, it is probably best to allow your sister to contact you if she needs your support. Giving both God and her the space and grace will perhaps enable God to work out things on their end.
I'm still praying for you and the whole situation!
Blessings,
~Amy :)
http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com
Hey Jon, very nice to meet you! Thanks for your encouragement. I like what you said that just keep loving her through thick and thin.... I am trying to love her, even if this is destroying her life... I think I will eventually email her, but Father needs to get me ready to do so!
In Freedom, Nicole!
were you & your sister raised in IC?
Well its a complicated story. She is actually my step sister, and is a lot older than I am, so for part of my childhood, yes, we all went to the Institution now and again. The problem is, is she is getting advice from a pastor who is encouraging her to stay with her ex and leave her husband. So now I believe she is still attending. She is just getting fed lies and won't talk to anyone else about it unless they agree and encourage her to do what she wants! Sad, but true!
i had wondered. your sister was heavy on my heart, and as i contemplated/prayed, all that came across was "a good old fashioned dose of church guilt." it is one of the few forces that i know powerful enough to cause a person to engage in self-destructive behaviors of such a degree without the aid of drugs.
i asked because i had a suspicion that perhaps something was torturing her inside about not fulfilling her original marriage vows. and somehow, the line was being twisted in her that it didn't matter WHY she had decided to sever those ties, she needed to honor them or risk angering god/going to hell.
now i see my suspicions are not only confirmed, but much worse than the voice in her own head. she now has a living voice whispering the same evil giving it authenticity.
from what i understand, given the limited information i have so far, it sounds like she is trying to choose god. that she believes doing this will help her to not only "make papa proud," but preserve her eternal soul as well. at least, that's what it sounds like to me. and i reserve the right to be comletely wrong.
i will continue intercessions.
something strange is afoot here...
may the darkness be scattered
You know I thought about that very scenario when I was just reading everything here.
Lord set her free from religious council and set her mind on you alone. Teach her that the past is not given back to us and that anything done there is covered by the blood.
Father we pray for freedom for Nicole's sister. Freedom from guilt or torment and the joy of your love and forgiveness.
Bring her in to your loving arms.
We call out to you in the name above all names
Jesus Christ
Oh no! This is the ugliest sort of religious guilt! So "divorce" is someone's pet law and now they are trying to ruin your BIL's life. How evil!
Your sister needs grace, not law! I am so angry over this being done to her!
It is a frightful matter what has been done, and only Father can do something about it with the help of our intercessions.
Thank you all for your amazing thoughts and prayers. This has helped me release it to Father over and over again.
another question, if you don't mind...
you said she moved back with her ex earlier this summer. have things been any better for them this time around?
Hmmm, I am not sure. I believe that he is putting on a front and is telling her that he has changed and is treating her perfectly. Although I think, give it time and she will then start to realize that he is the same once she is in it deeper. Who knows though, I am not God and don't know if he has really changed or not, but for her sake, I guess I hope he has for good!
Question to anyone:
Do you think that I should tell her how I feel about things now? Not in a confrontational way, but just letting her know how I feel and where I stand in all of this?
well, since no one else has fielded this, i think i shall. (didn't want to be too greedy with the comments here, but i feel very moved in my heart about this situation.)
yes. i think you should tell her. but, and this is a big but, it needs to be done in such a way that your sister knows you still love her and care about her and that you don't judge her or want to write her off simply for not living her life the way you want her to. in my opinion. i only say this because it is how i would want to be approached with something like this.
but for me, whenever i have something to say to someone taht i leave unsaid, it only produces distance and uncomfortable silences because it is the ONLY thing i have to say usually, and i hate bullshit small talk, so i end up saying nothing and no real connection happens. i'm sure this is not the relationship you want with your sister.
but again, her life is not yours, and she doesn't need to live it to please you. even if you think she is making the biggest mistake in the world. let her know you love her, let her know your concern, and ask her gently, if she can help you understand why she made the decision she did.
but again, let her know, no matter what, you love her.
(no time for proofreading, i hope it's readable...)
"Why do people focus on what other people do instead of on their hearts and other good upright things they do? Why does it seem like evil always has a spotlight on it and we never get to see the good people do?"
found this on a blog somewhere. just seemed applicable...
Jon, thank you brother for your thoughts. I believe that the quote you posted came from me. Hmmm. You are right, I don't want to put a spotlight on her bad choices, but I also don't want to be a sucker and support it either. This is very hard for me. I should practice what I preach, or at least take my own advice huh?! Anyway, thanks again for all that you have said. Made me stop and think!
In Freedom, Nicole!
Whatever we do in our lives or the things that happen to us lie the way they happened. There is no going back to change these things.
What's done is done.
There is only love and forgiveness left which we all need in abundance.
It may very well be that intense prayer will be the best remedy and the outcome be whatever it is.
It may be that you will just have to be silent ... or you may have to speak. If you speak, be sure it is love that moves you.
Let the Lord guide you.
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