I haven't posted anywhere in a while. I don't think I've left many comments around either. I'm still here - don't delete me! I've made some life decisions lately, all of which are focused primarily on myself and my kids being ok. What I mean by that is that I'm too damn tired and frustrated to bring my marriage into my decision making processes. If I'm married or single, none of my decisions are affected either way.
I'm talking with a contractor to get a floor plan finished up and have a house built on the front of this family owned property. Since October I've been trying to decide if I should add on to this existing house or build a new one. The costs are close in comparison. So - new house it will be. My oldest son will be 9 in a few months and he and his brother and sister are all still in the same bedroom. Enough's enough.
I never finished my college degree. I wanted to be a teacher but early on in my married I was convinced that wasn't the best option - that I should get a business degree. My job was in a loan department in banking at the time and I was good at my job so I changed my major. The problem is, I didn't WANT to do that. So I've never put much effort or desire into finishing the degree. If I turn up single, I don't want to have to work 12 hrs a day and miss being a mom just to pay bills. Without a degree, that's what will happen (at best). So I start back to college this morning. I changed my major back to education. It'll take me over two years to finish since I won't go full time. I can't. I'm still working and trying to be with the kids when they're home from school. Saturday night we had another major blow up and my husband left... again. Yesterday I had decided "screw it... I can't emotionally do all of this and balance college on top of it". But I've regrouped. I can't sit here in this house and be consumed by all of this junk anymore. Hopefully going regardless will get my mind onto other things that don't wind up with me going to bed for the day.
That's my update and I'm sorry I've been so sparse. I think I've just run out of meaningful things to say for a while.
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I rather think that the kitchen of an innkeeper wrongfully accused by history of being a harlot would be a safe place to lay down my burdens and sorrows. I believe she would have a willing and patient ear, a compassionately forgiving heart, a nonjudgemental spirit, and the grace that can only come from enduring thousands of years of slander. I also think that, if I would like to talk to anyone about Jesus, it would be this grandma more than any other person in history.
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12 comments:
((HUG)) No advice or pat answers. You don't need them. I am just here...
I'm glad you've taken these steps. It will be a wild ride, I'm sure, but well worth it. Just take it a day at a time, and don't let go of your dreams.
Good for you sweetie. Wow, big changes.
I'm glad you checked in Michelle. I think you will really thrive at school. Two years is not very long and it's worth it to follow your dream that you know is inside of you.
my heart aches for you and your relational pain. i have been there many times myself.
but i am also glad that you are finding the strength to think past the pain and realize you can make it. The world isn't going to end. A new chapter is getting ready to begin...
Two years will go by in a flash...I'm glad that you are doing these things. I have a 54 yr old friend who just finished up her nursing degree, just got her braces off, and just had laser surgery on her vericose veins...maybe that was too much information, but I'm inspired by her. I desperately want to go back to school, so you, too, are now my inspiration!
I agree that you can't just sit around and dwell on things all day...because then, yes...sleep would end up being my choice as well! Although, if I could sleep right now...well, I'd be in heaven. Thanks for sharing, it was good to hear from you. keep us posted!+! I'm having some 14 month old hel ty=pn=.- = --
Thank you all so much. My first day was pretty easy - found everything ok. My builder emailed me what I think will be the final floor plan. The bad news is I wound up in yet another horrendous fight with my husband again tonight. :sigh: It's just enough to make me think I can't move forward. But I've SO got to!
New house sounds exciting and soothing ...
Life's so hard ... I really don't get why it has to be so ..
Hugs to you and the kids.
I'm sure it's a challenge, but good for you, Michelle...!! You're in my prayers, especially at this time
Thanks for the update...much love to you
Your not alone sweet sister! Keep breathing, and continue on! You will do great, even if its a tough ride! Father will get you through!
In Freedom, Nicole!
You know what sucks Michelle, I am a fixer. I like to fix things for those I love. Seeing you in this pain makes me want to find you and hold you until you know that someone still cares for you. My wife Sherri would do the same for you. But, in cyberspace, the hugs sent are just not the same. But hugs anyway.
Nate -
I'm a fixer too. I understand your angst on wanting to jump in and make it all better. I also thoroughly appreciate it and love it when you stop by with your compassion. I have tried to so hard with all of this not to jump to what I might see as a solution simply out of my need to have things tied up neat and tidy. I've probably swung way too wide with my grace out of that weakness though. It's so hard for me to trust my own thoughts when ultimately all I want is a solution and for my life to have peace. What I think might bring those two things in the quickest manner might be the worst decision ever.
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