Please pray for me.
You have no idea how hard it is for me to say those four words. It seems selfish or self-centered, but that's a LIE. I know that when I pray for others, it makes a difference to them and to me. When we are hopeless or helpless all we can do is pray.
I am starting to believe in prayer again. I am afraid not to. It seems like my life just keeps getting more and more dark, sad, serious, heartbreaking things added to it. I can't take much more. I know this is probably wrong thinking but a few months ago I was begging God to let me know if he was real, and I had this HUGE fear come over me like he was going to bring a bunch of horrible things in my life so I would have no where to go but to him. I really thought it would be cancer for me. But its not (yet anyhow)....
...its my son using serious drugs and having other problems
...its losting a friend to suicide and finding out I was is ONLY friend
...its feeling misunderstood and chastised by my co-workers because I am not the kind of Christian they are
So...please pray. Not much you can pray for involving my dead friend, but please pray for my son....I don't know what to do next....I am begging God that his drug test comes out clean tomorrow. If not...I will be faced with some serious decisions.
Thank you so much,
Barbara
Prodigal Daughter Blog
Friday, October 31, 2008
Messed Up
Hi all,
I want so much to blog on my site and clear my head but the words just won't flow. This is a place of general conversation and obvious love and acceptance so I've landed here simply to say that my life is massively messed up right now. More-so than it has been in a long time. I can't blame the church. I can't blame my husband. I can't even blame myself. It's just simply messed up. Erin has been holding my hand for a couple of weeks now and I'm so thankful for her but I miss communicating with many of you also. I don't want anyone to think that I've stopped coming by and reading and checking in on you. I'm still here. It's just that many days I don't have anything to say that would require me to reach out of my own thoughts and feelings at the moment. I suppose that's selfish or at least lazy but I'm too overwhelmed to speak. I've made changes in my life that have kept me from literally having a nervous breakdown -- kids going to school as opposed to continuing to home school is a big part of that. Yet my marriage... oh my marriage... it goes from bad to worse to ok to even worse still in about 30 minute intervals. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. At the moment, I'm hopeless. I've been a friend. I've been objective. But after six weeks of constantly listening to him talk through his own junk - stuff that is painful for me to hear of course -- I am overwhelmed by it all, exhausted beyond words and simply crushed.
Maybe things will improve. Maybe not. What's important for me is that I get some peace in my life and soon. I don't even care what the end result of it is -- what it looks like in the end, I mean; together, separated ... what matters most is that something ends either way.
I'm drinking way too much. I've picked back up the cigarettes. I've stopped working out which I've been avid to do around 6 or 6:30 am every morning (cold, rain or shine) for a year now. I'm losing ground mentally and physically with myself all over this tide that keeps washing me out to sea. I realize that pain brings with it the benefit of depth of character and life but the process is oh so painful.
I'm rambling but I needed to. I can't post on my blog because it's seen by locals as well as I just don't 'ramble' there. I try to get things actually coherent. I came here just to spew I suppose.
I want so much to blog on my site and clear my head but the words just won't flow. This is a place of general conversation and obvious love and acceptance so I've landed here simply to say that my life is massively messed up right now. More-so than it has been in a long time. I can't blame the church. I can't blame my husband. I can't even blame myself. It's just simply messed up. Erin has been holding my hand for a couple of weeks now and I'm so thankful for her but I miss communicating with many of you also. I don't want anyone to think that I've stopped coming by and reading and checking in on you. I'm still here. It's just that many days I don't have anything to say that would require me to reach out of my own thoughts and feelings at the moment. I suppose that's selfish or at least lazy but I'm too overwhelmed to speak. I've made changes in my life that have kept me from literally having a nervous breakdown -- kids going to school as opposed to continuing to home school is a big part of that. Yet my marriage... oh my marriage... it goes from bad to worse to ok to even worse still in about 30 minute intervals. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. At the moment, I'm hopeless. I've been a friend. I've been objective. But after six weeks of constantly listening to him talk through his own junk - stuff that is painful for me to hear of course -- I am overwhelmed by it all, exhausted beyond words and simply crushed.
Maybe things will improve. Maybe not. What's important for me is that I get some peace in my life and soon. I don't even care what the end result of it is -- what it looks like in the end, I mean; together, separated ... what matters most is that something ends either way.
I'm drinking way too much. I've picked back up the cigarettes. I've stopped working out which I've been avid to do around 6 or 6:30 am every morning (cold, rain or shine) for a year now. I'm losing ground mentally and physically with myself all over this tide that keeps washing me out to sea. I realize that pain brings with it the benefit of depth of character and life but the process is oh so painful.
I'm rambling but I needed to. I can't post on my blog because it's seen by locals as well as I just don't 'ramble' there. I try to get things actually coherent. I came here just to spew I suppose.
Barbara
Hey I am Barbara and I am older than dirt compared to all of you! I am closer to 50 than 40 and that's all I'm saying about that.
I am a single mom (never married) to an almost 17 year old man-child. He's the love of my life and the cause of my deepest concerns.
I was raised in a Catholic church but left at age 13 to "seek spiritual truth" and spent years in the New Age movement and learning about Eastern Religions. I did NOT want to be a Christian because the ones i knew were so mean. But, at age 29 I was scared enough by the threat of hell being real that I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and joined the ultimate in conservative fundie churches. Not only that but I started working for the biggest International Ministry around and have been here since my son was in diapers.
I was hurt by several things that happened to me in various churches over the years (including being ostracized for getting pregnant out of "wedlock" what a great word for marriage, eh?) BUT in spite of being hurt I never blamed the church, only myself for being such a lowlife worm. I felt I deserved all the harsh treatment I got because I sinned.
Then a few years ago I fell in love with a man who was not a Christian and actually gave up the relationship. That was the beginning of the end. I realized that I had given so much of my life for something that I brought me mostly shame, guilt and sadness.
Sure, I had good moments too. But when I was honest with myself I had to admit that I was faking the Christian life. It was something I DID because I was expected to, not because it was who I was. So I quit going to church (no one missed me even though I'd been at that one for 8 years) and stopped reading the Bible and started over from scratch.
Now I go back and forth on a daily basis of what I believe and what I don't. I love most of my Christian friends (online) and wish I had their faith, I miss it. But in honesty, none of it makes sense to me. I still pray but I'm not sure why. I still believe - sort of. I am really just a mess :) but am coming to terms that "not knowing what I believe" is okay for now.
I thank you for allowing me to be part of your site here.
Visit Barbara at Prodigal Daughter
I am a single mom (never married) to an almost 17 year old man-child. He's the love of my life and the cause of my deepest concerns.
I was raised in a Catholic church but left at age 13 to "seek spiritual truth" and spent years in the New Age movement and learning about Eastern Religions. I did NOT want to be a Christian because the ones i knew were so mean. But, at age 29 I was scared enough by the threat of hell being real that I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and joined the ultimate in conservative fundie churches. Not only that but I started working for the biggest International Ministry around and have been here since my son was in diapers.
I was hurt by several things that happened to me in various churches over the years (including being ostracized for getting pregnant out of "wedlock" what a great word for marriage, eh?) BUT in spite of being hurt I never blamed the church, only myself for being such a lowlife worm. I felt I deserved all the harsh treatment I got because I sinned.
Then a few years ago I fell in love with a man who was not a Christian and actually gave up the relationship. That was the beginning of the end. I realized that I had given so much of my life for something that I brought me mostly shame, guilt and sadness.
Sure, I had good moments too. But when I was honest with myself I had to admit that I was faking the Christian life. It was something I DID because I was expected to, not because it was who I was. So I quit going to church (no one missed me even though I'd been at that one for 8 years) and stopped reading the Bible and started over from scratch.
Now I go back and forth on a daily basis of what I believe and what I don't. I love most of my Christian friends (online) and wish I had their faith, I miss it. But in honesty, none of it makes sense to me. I still pray but I'm not sure why. I still believe - sort of. I am really just a mess :) but am coming to terms that "not knowing what I believe" is okay for now.
I thank you for allowing me to be part of your site here.
Visit Barbara at Prodigal Daughter
Thursday, October 30, 2008
request for my mother
in about 2 months it will be the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. this has obviously been very hard for my mom. she was married back in 1961 at the age of 18, so she went straight from her parents house to being married. she has never lived alone before, much less in a place as big as the twin cities metro area she lives in now. it is all very frightening and lonely for her. with the american "holidays" rapidly approaching, her first set without him, i was hoping we could bathe her in prayer. she could really use it. thanks gang.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
apples 2 apples
for those who don't know, there is a group of us who have been playing apples 2 apples for about 6 months now. we've finally decided to break for a small bit and start a new game soon. interested in joining? just visit the link and let us know you're interested. we'll be starting again sometime soon.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Finding Happy-ness
Hey, y'all. Can I just say how nice it is to be able to slam in the side-door, throw myself down at the table, and just bawl?
It isn't about anything, really - at least in a couple of days it won't be. But I found out yesterday that something I didn't even realize I wanted to happen as badly as I wanted it is probably not going to happen at all, and I'm just sad about it. You could guess from the name that I am a relatively upbeat person, even when things are tough, and it's true, for the most part, but like any artist, I have a bit of a melancholy streak, and it's running strong today. I know the "answer" is to simply take my heartache to Jesus and cry it out, and I'm going to go do that - it's a beautiful, sunny, blustery fall day, perfect for a walk in the woods (the wind accounts nicely for wet cheeks) - and that's where I'm bound - but I wanted a brownie first, and a hug, so I thought I'd come here...
If you would simply pray for me that Jesus would help me get an emotional grip and the proper perspective on something that in the grand scheme of things really isn't as big of a deal as I think it is, and that I would find myself truly Happy again, and not this out-of-sorts person I feel like today, that would totally rock. Thank you...
It isn't about anything, really - at least in a couple of days it won't be. But I found out yesterday that something I didn't even realize I wanted to happen as badly as I wanted it is probably not going to happen at all, and I'm just sad about it. You could guess from the name that I am a relatively upbeat person, even when things are tough, and it's true, for the most part, but like any artist, I have a bit of a melancholy streak, and it's running strong today. I know the "answer" is to simply take my heartache to Jesus and cry it out, and I'm going to go do that - it's a beautiful, sunny, blustery fall day, perfect for a walk in the woods (the wind accounts nicely for wet cheeks) - and that's where I'm bound - but I wanted a brownie first, and a hug, so I thought I'd come here...
If you would simply pray for me that Jesus would help me get an emotional grip and the proper perspective on something that in the grand scheme of things really isn't as big of a deal as I think it is, and that I would find myself truly Happy again, and not this out-of-sorts person I feel like today, that would totally rock. Thank you...
update from nate
so nate called me the other day to say thank you for the prayers. they have been wonderful. but then he realized that as wonderful as the prayers for him are, he's not the one who needs it most. nate is the manager of a restaurant and he would like prayer for his crew. for his junior management staff mostly (who are very inexperienced) that they would gain wisdom and grow in their abilities to lead the rest of the staff and execute their responsibilities.
i would go so far as to say since we're praying, why don't we go the full 9? let's ask that the lives of all the staff be affected deeply. that the whole crew would grow into a tight knit community of people who care about their work and care about each other. that a spirit of love and joy would pervade the crew and they would begin to grow together. that they would all help to create something stable for one another in such unstable times.
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